Thoughts swirl about in my head, and while I wish it was in a gentle autumn breeze sort of way it is more of a hurricane type fashion.  My voice has been quiet in the world of written word, and there is an eerie stillness on my blog that has even me wondering if I am okay.  I have my reasons but mostly it is due to insecurity that has crept back into myself and mourning the depressing lack of growth these past few months.  I am both perpetrator and victim as I rob myself of joy and pile on the lies that instill fear and doubt.  I have drained my resources and I am void of energy and at times the presence of life.  Depleted.  I checked the tank, I was filled and foolishly procrastinated thinking the work I had done would "get me through."

The faith driven life has been stifled and codependency stalks me in the shadows of low self esteem, my identity is blurred and I am struggling to stay in the warmth of the light.  "Failure" rings and haunts me at night, another sun sets and another chance to spend intimate time with God is gone.  It disappears with the last light.  I hang my head in shame and forget He still loves.  I crave those times that I would bask in the glory of His kingdom, the fog has rolled in and I stop looking, I stop seeing.  It's another lie, the fog is only a smoke and mirror attempt by the enemy to make me feel isolated in my pain.  God never left and the fog never rolled in.      

You are not alone.  You are enveloped in His love and can never break free or escape.  He wants to be in a deep and vulnerable relationship with you.  Begin again.  Begin where you slipped off the path.  Go now.  


PS am I the only one who is this all over the place??

Winter Wanes

For those of us on the east coast, the weather has been incredible!  February never has days like this, temperatures in the 60's and the sun was shining bright multiple days in a row.  These temperatures allow me to be at my highest comfort level.  I can remain covered by clothing but not wear a coat.  I can have fun outside without sweating.  Everyone seemed to be enjoying the outdoors; hiking trails were being pounded by boots, biking trails had evidence of tire treads, and climbing routes had fresh chalk marks.  Our family jumped on the bandwagon in the pursuit of fresh air and vitamin D, mostly hiking, but also just congregating together with friends letting the kids run free.

Being cooped up in the house is one thing about winter I do not like.  Going out is no problem when you don't have kids in tow, but after the littles invade life, you can count on about an hour of prep before exiting the house and by that point someone has to pee and you must painstakingly peel off the freshly added layers of clothing.  My kids are usually underdressed because comfort is not high on my priority list (yes I am the mom that never has hats for my kids).  This warm weather is considered to be a gift from God in my mind.  It was not a great weekend for me and I like to think that this February "heatwave" was especially gifted to me by my Father to give a little reprieve and a lot more breathing room.  

Happy Birthday (29 and feeling fine)

It was about a year ago when I first began to share my inner thoughts with the inter web.  And while I don't feel that birthdays are really that significant anymore I was secretly so in tune with my aging self.  Excitement was kept hidden from those around me, I brushed off the birthday wishes and rolled my eyes at all the Facebook notifications.  I didn't really desire to celebrate with anyone but I did want to relish in what God has done in the last year.  As I looked back at life, at what this last year has been for me the word heavy comes to mind .  It was a year of pain, self discovery, self awareness, brokenness revealed... but most of all, it was God's year.  This last year was the first year that cravings for my Father took on a life of their own and my mind was engulfed with truths that were just beginning to be unlocked.  I am amazed at the journey he has brought to me and led me through.  He still leads me as I fumble and stumble along the (very) narrow path.  He showed me how to love, to begin understanding what loving well means.  He showed me just how huge He is, how he cannot be contained by our inability to understand.  He taught me how to press in to His word, how to come to Him first with my hurt.  He healed wounds that I didn't want to acknowledge.  He broke chains that have been wrapped around my limbs, that have weighed me down.  He took me places in dreams I never expected.  He showed me who I am.  At first, I was embarrassed I didn't know these truths sooner, but this is all in God's timing.  The truths in His word have been the same, but I am finally able to know it, the words have sunken into me written in blood on my soul and they have become who I am.  Our God is amazing.  One year has felt like a lifetime of learning.  I am not the same as I was a year ago and it is only because of Him.  That is how people change, He is the way people change.  And what is even more beautiful, He has more for me, my journey is not yet over!

Here's to another great year of God's growth!  

Confusion brings silence

It's been a while since I have written, and although I cannot exactly pinpoint why, I do have this growing sense that I am approaching a new season, a bigger and bolder season but there is a mini-season I must wade through first.  

My brain is completely full and at the same time completely void of any thought.  It might be overwhelmed and  maybe has gone into self destruct mode, or maybe the avoider in me is making his presence known.  There is much time of thought and reflection but there have not been any revelations or epiphanies.  Just more questions arise and they remain unanswered.  A time of waiting maybe?  Or maybe God is forcing me into a time of refocusing?  It is a new season for sure, one that has not yet been experienced or explored and confusion runs amok.

So I wait.  I seek.  And I wait some more.      

Conversation in Rocky Places

It was a night that I had a few hours to myself, during hours the rest of the world was awake.  Off to the climbing gym.  Things are starting to make more sense there and I'd rather solve bouldering problems than analyze my relationship problems.

After about 2 hours attempting the same bouldering problem I sat down next to a few other climbers that I'd been taking turns with on the wall.  Some I had just met that night but its a community and they are usually friendly and very willing to help, or encourage, or direct and most of all to celebrate when you reign victorious.  It actually reminds me of church community.  But that is not my focus today, just an observation.  

As I called it a day a conversation ensued between myself and what I would call a dedicated climber. I explained that I feel like I really gravitate toward bouldering more than any other climbing.  Bouldering can be done alone, I am not confined by a harness, and I am closer to the ground.  "I have a fear of heights" I say to him.  He, without skipping a beat, tells me "No, you have a fear of not being in control."  Pegged.  He got me.  

Perspective.  

Exterminate the Termites

The termites move in, they weaken structures by burrowing their way in and around with tunnels.  Homes can crumble, foundations are no longer strong enough to hold the home.  Lies can be termites in our spiritual lives.  Such little insignificant bugs can do such damage if not removed.

Last night I felt God guide my hand as I penned truth out in my journal, without thinking the ink rolled right out onto the page to form the words He wanted me to hear from Him.  After I was finished, I had a page of statements that were able to combat the lies that had bombarded me earlier in the day.  These are things no one can take from me.  They are given to me by my Father in Heaven and He has authority over me and my life.  He is good and he is kind and is full of truth.

1. "I love you"
2. "I chose you and continue to choose you"
3. "I will never leave you or reject you, nothing you do will ever take me from you or your from me."
4. "My grace is sufficient for you"
5. "I and only I can fill you up with exactly as much as you need, whether grace, mercy, kindness, or love, it is never too much and I am always enough"

These aren't just for me, this is how He looks at us

The Attitude of Gratitude

This is not a statement I came up with but ever since hearing it around thanksgiving time I have come back to this theme through strange ways.  I have been reminded of it often and have begun to understand the benefit of what comes from this attitude.

A few months ago I felt God tugging on my heart to put an emphasis on manners and being polite.  Now, you have to understand I bulk at traditionalism and prefer not to conform to what society says is "right" just because it is right by them.  Maybe this was God softening me, helping me to live out the whole more flies to honey... although I never understood why anyone would want to attract flies.  Anyway.  The main person I felt called to be courteous to was one who had brought much pain.  The fighter in me began to fight my own flesh, to deny myself the satisfaction of a smug comment, I felt God saying to me; "say thank you" "say please" "say you're welcome."  Out of this came, "be kind" "be courteous" even if I was met with harsh responses and sarcastic comments, obedience to God was more important than my want to fight fire with fire.  The commandment to love well was held higher than my own sinful agendas.  At first it was not taken well by others, because this was not the norm and was not what was expected from myself, it was not how I had acted in my normal state.  But through time, I believe it had an impact, more so to me than anyone else.  

Saying thank you, looking for things to say thank you for, allows you to change your thinking.  It retrains your brain to spot the things that are good, that you should be thankful for but usually are not.
I believe this also allows you to crush the expectations that you may have for people, relationships, even places of business, because you look for any and all things good to say thank you for.  It breaks down life to the point of expecting nothing, not because you think poorly of others but because really you get what you need from Jesus.  Your attitude of gratitude increases.  It forces you to verbalize the appreciation, which means you are vocalizing positivity further engraining the moment in your brain and at the same time, blessing someone else with words that affirm.  Overall I would say it brings you into a place in life that you have a more positive outlook.  

An attitude of gratitude breeds contentment.  You can be free from thoughts that whisper to you on a daily basis; thoughts like "Why doesn't my husband do this for me" "why doesn't my wife act like this more"  even something as simple as "Are you kidding me, why didn't that car let me cut in!"  You are content with where your partner is in life, you are even thankful for progress made, no matter how small, and you are content with it.  Do you struggle with a critical spirit?  I do, it is part of my ugly.  I am not alone, I know many struggle with this.  An attitude of gratitude begins destroying the critical spirit.  There is no room for critiquing when God puts highlights on the good.  You become more in tune to God's heart.

....and then...

Through contentment, you are free to let God work.

This is what I have experienced.  I don't know if everyone would get this from one seemingly simple decision to say "thanks."  I started out not really meaning it, doing it out of obedience to what God was telling me to do, but now after a lot of prayer for God to help me see these positive moments I am more aware and even more genuine in it.  Let it be said that this came out of a place that started with God, praising him for moments that seemed very bleak.  Thanking Him for hard things, messy things, and seemingly impossible things.  Please know this was not the result of a "to do" list, but a process that began many months before making the decision to say thank you.  God had many building blocks in place before he was ready to give me the order.  He didn't give that order until He knew I was ready for the next step.  And isn't that how he works with everything.  We need only to be in the moment with Him.  Not looking ahead at where we want to be... that is what the world says... He says to look at Him.  Take heart my friends, He is with you where you are and desires to walk with you as you go, you don't get to push Him ahead of you so you can reach a goal.  Our God is more personal than that.      

Celebrate Well

It has been said by many, "learn to suffer well."  I think I have learned this to a degree, but with everything, I am sure there is more to learn, but for right now I understand it as much as I need to for this season of life.

Suffering well means that during the time of intense pain, we are able to find joy and make healthy choices that improve our situation by improving our outlook.  Even if the situation itself does not change.  Much emphasis is on the time of trials and time of pain, a time that you almost feel triaged... prioritizing the worst injuries and leaving minor wounds alone for now.  Suffering well means looking to Christ to fill you up and give you joy that is only found in Him.  An invaluable lesson for sure, it can set you on a path of understanding how big God is and how we can truly rely on Him to take care of all our needs.  This is great.  I have been encouraged and have had many people who have listened and then direct me back to my Father for comfort and peace.  They helped me suffer well.  But what happens next?

Celebrating well in a new season.  Sounds kind of ridiculous doesn't it?  But for a pessimist and self proclaimed realist celebrating well isn't something that comes easy.  There is much doubt and suspicion that seethes inside, constantly questioning the motives of others and trying to sort the phony feelings from the truth of what is actually going on.  Is it okay to be happy?  Is it okay to not feel in suffering anymore?  Are others seeing me as weak or pathetic for steps I am taking?  Why is there a feeling of shame involved here?  Even with answered prayers, it feels wrong to celebrate.  I do not desire to do a victory dance, I am not a fool and understand the road is long.  I do however, desire to praise Jesus for answered prayers.  I desire to worship God in his goodness and faithfulness.  I want to be in community while doing this, but what does that look like?  Why do we not stop and praise as well as stop and pray?  So many have prayed with me through tough times, but we also need to remember to praise Him through moments of hope, calling out the good no matter how obvious or if our flesh questions it.  This is celebrating well, staying focused on Him always in the lows and also in the highs of life.     

New Year Old testament

It was this New Years Eve that I was encouraged (for the second time by the same person) to read the old testament.  "In the beginning" seems like a fitting way to start the new year.  I am not bent on finishing the OT in a certain amount of time but I am going to attempt to read it this year, if I don't finish I won't be disappointed and if I do finished I will probably have to reread it anyway.  His story is interlaced throughout the OT and to know Him better I guess this is a good start at a deeper look at the build up of the physical appearance of our great Rescuer on our Earth.  Can't wait read the words and identify the foreshadowing of what I already know is to come!

I haven't ever read it chronologically so this will be a first...

Chronological

New Year Old Me

I wrote a letter to someone.  It will not be opened until December 31, 2017.  It is filled with joyful moments and moments that take a deeper look to find the joy.  It talks of what we have experienced and the hopeful future that could be had.  A letter that glances back but focuses on what may be to come.

I remember going into 2016 thinking that it would be the year everything would be good, a turning point in my relationships, I believed the problems had climaxed and things were on the upswing.  I was ignorant to believe my spiritual life was fine and I could work well without my eyes fixed on my creator.  I was foolish in believing unhealthy could magically become healthy.  I go into 2017 with little to no expectations (at least that is what I am striving for).  I look to God for answers and direction and see the growth not just in myself but in others.  I know that I won't do everything perfectly or even close to perfect.  My friend just started her own blog called Finding Balance; in it she talks about how some days will be 35% or maybe less, and that is okay because with each sunrise there is a new start.  Thankfully God gives us this grace, once we accept it we can give grace freely to others.  Which is a beautiful thing.  Allowing imperfections means being free to make mistakes and pick ourselves up again to keep going.  

The letter may or may not be given to the whom it is addressed.   A year is a long time for things to change and I don't know what is in store at this point.  Thankfully, no matter what changes come in my life  there is one thing that will remain constant.  Jesus.  He does not change.  He loves just as much, he continues to be our Savior.