Thoughts swirl about in my head, and while I wish it was in a gentle autumn breeze sort of way it is more of a hurricane type fashion. My voice has been quiet in the world of written word, and there is an eerie stillness on my blog that has even me wondering if I am okay. I have my reasons but mostly it is due to insecurity that has crept back into myself and mourning the depressing lack of growth these past few months. I am both perpetrator and victim as I rob myself of joy and pile on the lies that instill fear and doubt. I have drained my resources and I am void of energy and at times the presence of life. Depleted. I checked the tank, I was filled and foolishly procrastinated thinking the work I had done would "get me through."
The faith driven life has been stifled and codependency stalks me in the shadows of low self esteem, my identity is blurred and I am struggling to stay in the warmth of the light. "Failure" rings and haunts me at night, another sun sets and another chance to spend intimate time with God is gone. It disappears with the last light. I hang my head in shame and forget He still loves. I crave those times that I would bask in the glory of His kingdom, the fog has rolled in and I stop looking, I stop seeing. It's another lie, the fog is only a smoke and mirror attempt by the enemy to make me feel isolated in my pain. God never left and the fog never rolled in.
You are not alone. You are enveloped in His love and can never break free or escape. He wants to be in a deep and vulnerable relationship with you. Begin again. Begin where you slipped off the path. Go now.
PS am I the only one who is this all over the place??
I am just here to answer your question of "am I the only one"...
ReplyDeleteI just re read what I wrote, and I want to a say, I am just a man with my own thoughts. War has tainted them, but definitely not all of them.
Since 2010, I have seen horrors and a true land without "God", Afghanistan and pretty much America. But in all my parents told me on one of my blackout PTSD rants that I said "There is no God in Afghanistan". I do not remember this, but I can easily remember and come up with the thought. And still to this day, I really think that the whole religion thing (all religions) and the ideology behind them is seriously separating the world into a most violent menace. As we can see in recent events, things are not going well.
But let's backtrack onto my story so I'm not just some retard with a Internet thought. I was born and raised Christian. Church every Sunday. Baptized, yahhhdaayaadaayadah. But seriously. When I started to actually think, why is my religion the right way and not the others, I started doubting it all. Yeah it's a great way to live and all, but shit, it's not fucking realistic. But that's just me. And my thought made itself clear when I deployed to Afghanistan...
There is something wierd about that place. There is no "God" of what Christianity believes there. None of it. I've seen it twice. 2 years in combat with that country, and those people are the most amazing people ever, but they believe in a ideology of hate. I just didn't get it.
Are you alone? No.
I struggle with the of God weekly. (once you forget God it seems to go by)
The crazy thing is, and I hope you are still reading this and didn't just write me off as a "non believer". I just have some experiences that ehhhh, it's just kinda difficult to trust in something.
There is no way you are wrong or should feel ashamed. You are an amazing, absolutely gorgeous woman. You have the brightest future ahead of you, with your children and husband. What you have is the epitome of what I truly want, but I cannot have.
But to keep this little part short...
Depleted? Feel helpless? Feel alone? Feel like there is no one? Feeling drained as fuck? Believe me, I have been dealing with that since 2006, and actually tried to kill myself on December last year, but I sought help... Actual help. And do you know what I found? No one can care about you but yourself. Stop trying to make other people happy for once. As they say "do you". So after I got out of the crazy hospital, I did just that. Told my codependent ex girlfriend, that enough was enough. And started "doing me". It has taken me 5 months to still try and change, but everyday is easier. I lost the woman I wanted to marry (twice) because I am an alcoholic.
Take joy in what you have and accomplished. Because when it's gone, it's all you will want.
Oh yeah I'm all over the place too
Deletehttps://music.youtube.com/watch?v=Iyw2jn2lPUE&feature=share
DeleteWell... I typed out a long response. Unfortunately, with the sensitivity of the touch pad, it is lost in the abyss of good intentions. Ah technology, gotta love it!
DeleteHere is a far less eloquent version.
You have been through much, you have a story that is intense. Courage is shown in you by being vulnerable enough to seek help in the dark times. The Christian belief has been tainted and overshadowed by legalism and religiosity. When keeping the religion becomes a religion, it gets messy and complicated. A relationship that is the truest, saturated in authenticity but most of all love. That is what my focus with my belief.
HAHA "writing people off" I see what you did there... no, I will not write anyone off. These are your thoughts, they are valid. Brought to you through the story you have lived.
I just want to encourage you to keep moving forward, and to ask that you not "write off" believers... keep your hands open friend allow your mind to explore the true God, maybe you haven't yet been properly introduced.
Take care, and thank you for reading and responding!
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ReplyDeleteYou are not the only one! Thank you for this vulnerable post. Luckily for us God's love never runs dry.
ReplyDeleteThanks. This helps me. Enjoy Memorial weekend. God's blessings and grace to you and yours.
ReplyDelete