Sinners

Identifying ourselves as anything makes us more so like that thing.  It is where our focus is and unintentionally becomes our goal.   Positive affirmation statements work the same way except they are intentional.

Since the age of six, our family had attended church regularly.  I became a christian at a young age and had it engrained in me that I am a sinner and that is why I needed Jesus.  While yes, this is true, we are sinners, we have a need for Jesus because we will never be good enough to enter heaven on our own, but it is not how I should have continued to identify myself.  A sinner, implies you are bound by sin, you are held captive by your sinful nature.  Jesus broke those chains for us, we are free because of him.  We are empowered by Him to resist temptation.  When we choose to accept Jesus we are a new creation in Christ, we take on His identity.  His identity is that of perfect royalty.  That is how God the Father sees us now.  Accepting Christ as our savior is the first step in following Jesus, accepting who we are in Christ pushes us to grow in who He is.  Isn't it just like the great deceiver to use a word that brings us to the knowledge that we need christ and sabotage the growth by using it as a stumbling block in our lives.

When I was in school, there was a required class that was called Professional Development.  I always thought of it as the feel good class because the premise of it was to focus on the positives of who we are and give us tools to make achieving goals possible.  It was where I discovered just how unimpressed I was with my life achievements because they were never good enough to write down on our "things I am most proud of" list.  I did not get much out of that class because I was so wrapped up in who I was not, how short I fell in all aspects of life.  Now, I look back and can align what we learned in that class to fit into my walk with Christ.  In that class we had an ungraded task we were supposed to do.  By the end of the term we were to have a list of positive affirmations that we were to focus on daily.  Positive affirmations are statements like:

"I am a kind person who puts others first"

"I am a financially stable person" 

"I am a marathon runner"

They are stated as truths about yourself and in turn allow you the freedom to believe you are all these things... what you believe is what you will become.  Take the marathon runner statement, you may not be one but continuing to focus on this empowers you to freely become what you already say you are.  It's like a fake it till you make it mentality.  It makes goals attainable.  We have these as christians as well.  Graham Cooke has an amazing clip on youtube that would literally pump. you. up.  It is full of positive affirmations that align with who we are as followers of Jesus.  I challenge anyone to listen to it each morning and not have a new outlook on who they are.  We are not sinners anymore, we are saints, accept it and grow in it.  You will not be able to stray from who you are, the truth will set you free.  

Thetruthaboutyou<--click here

Information Overload (but its good)

My brain hurts.  There is a lot of information in my brain.  Unfortunately, my brain seems to be struggling to make sense of it all.  Information overload.  The sirens are sounding in form of a pounding headache.

Church has been great, our series is called "Loving Well" and it's focus is on the book of Ruth.  The old testament is forgotten by me too often so I love that we are stepping further back into time with many of the series we have done, it gives me an appreciation for the Old that I lack.  But it is a lot of stuff for my brain to take in.  All good stuff, really good actually.  I crave more and could sit for hours listening to the God inspired minds of men, especially on the topic of love.  Our world has contorted the beauty of that word and a fresh take on the actual design is much needed.  It is going to take a few more times of listening to the podcasts, a lot of prayer, and meditation for me to grasp the "what" and then even more to learn the "how."

The man who gave the message delivered it with humility and honesty.  He would say multiple times that he was preaching not to us but to himself as well.  He gave examples of his own flawed love in his marriage.  He encouraged, and directed us to what the scripture says and how we can come to love well.  Love is not self serving, so he encouraged us to pray for awareness in our own hearts.  Private moments of reflection followed.

I wish I could show you with the clarity if was brought to me, but it hasn't quite been made real to me and my own heart.          

From the Father to the Son

In my adult life I have come to the understanding that the first men we know as fathers hold much power in how we view our heavenly Father.  Our ability to know God's love can be greatly impeded by our knowledge of the love (or lack of love) of our dads, or, if you grew up in a somewhat healthy family, it can show you a terrific example of God (the father's) love for you.  The positive examples are out there, I have seen them! But I am one who lacked that growing up.  Deep wounds were caused by my own father, followed by a long line of other men who disappointed me throughout my childhood, teen, and even early adulthood.  Time and time again men would prove they preyed upon the little girl inside me who was just searching for a father, longing to be found captivating.  I was looking in all the wrong places.

It has been the unfamiliar becoming familiar.  The character of our heavenly Father is everything you would ever want from your very own parents.  Good, merciful, kind, loving, just, righteous, gracious, constant and consistent, eternal, infinite, holy, faithful, and he's our perfect father that knows best.  Giving us exactly what we need, and giving it generously, never having a cap or an allowance.

Remembering when I was first introduced to God, there was so much focus on God's judgement and having the fear of God instilled in us, there was little room to believe he is all the other things...mostly love.  Since there was a lack of fatherly love in my own life already this was even easier to ignore when thinking about God.  Because I had not ever tasted that kind of love.  I felt like I had to prove to God that I was worth loving.  That even though he was my creator and He love his creation; I was unable to forget that my own father walked away from me, I wasn't good enough to keep him around, to keep his interest.  And I would do this thing, I still do this thing that puts people who claim to love me through a subconscious test to see how far I can push until they too leave.  Living out my own lies I have believed about myself, about my own worth.  But then, through getting to know God the father, I understand he never leaves, he is always there, I can collapse in his love, I can let him love me without fear that he will ever leave, or that I will ever be "too much" for him, or that I will ever need "too much" from Him.

I have rested in the lap of my father for months, addressing Him in my prayers, relying on Him to show me love that I need, crying on his shoulder and receiving my complete fill of comfort.  Accepting this fatherly love... but something has happened.  I now find myself sitting at the feet of Jesus.  Is this the transition?  Is God pointing me toward the teacher?  Has he led me to Jesus so I can now understand the sacrifice my Savior made for me?  So I will understand how hard it was to be dying on the cross, a perfect son and then have his father turn his face away, the father who loves so deeply?  To understand the weight of what was done I needed to know the weight of what He has to offer... that nothing I do would cause Him to love more or less.

THIS. IS. INCREDIBLE.

Tea with Honey

With the colder temps November brings, I have found my love for tea once again.  And I am a woman, so of course it is more than just tea.  It is a collection of memories; moments I spent doing something I love, a song I listened to for the first time, a season of life that needed a warm drink as my companion.  Mostly, it reminds me of time spent together.

Chilly nights that required an extra layer even though the heat was on.  Nights that were spent watching a movie or maybe a football game or something that showed a life we yearned for.  Tea was offered and met with smiles that said yes.  Boiling water would be poured into mugs with specific tea bags for each.  Honey would be added.  I would sit on my side and you on yours, you with your tea and me with mine.  Sweet moments that I will not easily forget.  Nothing major or monumental ever happened during these occasions, they were simple and uncomplicated.  Maybe that's why I consider them the sweetest of times.

Prayers for my Children

My daughter lays cradled in my arms, she peacefully sleeps as I pray and weep over her.  The wisdom brought through my own life experiences has allowed me to know how to pray for her.  I know because of the little girl inside me who continues to remember the pain of the lies.  I understand the emotional distress, the torment of negative self-talk, the damage that was done of which I had no say, no input to what the future of my family would be.

As a parent, you want more for your children than you had.  For some, it is financial, for others its education... For me it is more based on family and walk with Christ.  I pray that both my son and daughter would know a family of origin that was healthier than what mine was.  I pray they would understand the love Jesus has for them and begin to grasp what that means for their lives earlier than I did.  I pray against the lies that lead them to believe the family they need is not worth fighting for, that they are not worthy of a family that is healthy.  I pray for them to be dependent on Jesus to fill them before allowing others to be part of the filling.  I pray that they would live fearlessly.  That trusting Jesus means living without fear because love casts out fear.

For my son.  My firstborn.  I pray he is not sour toward marriage, that he would come to know and love the beauty of God's design.  I pray he would grow to be a man of integrity, a man who remembers the pain, who is not bitter or filled with resentment due to the brokenness in his own childhood.  I pray he would heal from the wounds I have caused in his younger years.  I pray he can forgive me for my lack of knowledge, my lack of patience, my high expectations, my tendency to dismiss his pain, and for the walls that block him from knowing me.  I pray he would heal from the wounds others have caused, the relationships with adults that abruptly ended without explanation, the lack of love shown to a child in a messy situation.  I pray for him to grow to be a man who learns to lay down his life for the ones he loves, knowing it is more than sacrificing through death, that it means sacrificing in life.  That he would lead well and love well.  I pray that his compassion and empathy for others would grow despite attempts by others (including me) to squash it.  I pray that he would know that it is good for men to be vulnerable, that it comes from strength not weakness.  I pray for masculinity that is God honoring and not of this world.  I pray God would bring people into his life who can bring him love, knowledge, and wisdom that I cannot give.  I praise God that Jackson has accepted Jesus as his savior.

For my daughter, my baby girl.  I first pray for her to choose to follow Jesus.  I pray she grows to be a powerful soul.  Beauty that radiates from the inside out.  I pray for her wounds to heal sooner than mine have.  I pray she never buys into the lies whispered in her ear by the enemy.  I pray she finds herself captivating according to the eyes of her heavenly Father, that she will know He delights in her.  I pray she would not blame herself for things that were out of her control, that the choices made by others would not define her.  I pray for her to be protected, that her heart especially would be held gently by God's hands.  I pray she would not believe that love is ever defined by fighting against someone in order to gain control, but that it is fighting for someone, that it means standing next to someone and against hatred.  I pray she would not be hardened in her youth.  But I also pray she would be a boundary setter, a boundary keeper, that she would stand in God's truths for her life.  I pray she values herself and lives in the knowledge of Christ, that low self-esteem would not enslave her.  I pray for her to stand up for others who are hurting.  I praise God for the fighter she already is, that she is stubborn and that this can be used for the kingdom of God.

I pray that God continues to teach me, that I will only grow to a higher place of healing.  That I would grow to learn and accept more of God's love and be able to show that love to my children.  I pray this more than ever because of the young lives that God has entrusted to me.  I pray I would know they are His before mine, that He is bigger than me, that He can do more for them than I ever could.  Fill our lives with your presence Lord!      

United We Stand

I did not vote.  Please hold your rock... I did drive to the polling place with my two kids, the whole way praying that God would give me sudden wisdom to know which buttons to push because I was still undecided.  Apparently, I failed to respond to a piece of mail they sent a while ago and I was listed as "inactive."  Ok God, not really the answer I was expecting but I'll take it.  The only thing I was capable of doing at this point was praying.

While I certainly understand the people who pray for the win of a specific candidate, I felt the tug on my heart to pray for the souls of each candidate, especially the one who will be named the next leader of our country.  The prayer was also to confess the sins of our country claiming them as my own and that God would heal our land (2 Chronicles 7:14).

I awoke this morning and looked at Facebook, thankful that I could see who won just by friend's posts rather than the news media.  Many were happily posting sarcastic memes, statuses that felt the sting of defeat, or just a sigh of relief that it was finally over, but all of them were referencing our political history in the making.  (I can remember a time when who you were voting for was considered private information, not the case now).

My yearning for all is to continue to pray.  It is not 2017 yet, and God can work miracles.  The love of Jesus can change people.  Trump is not just a candidate, business man, or branding term; He is a creation of our Father's, Jesus loves him as well, his name is Donald, he is a man with his own story that goes beyond his business ventures.  His heart matters.  People change only through accepting, knowing, and growing in the love of Christ.  They love well by being loved well, love our leader well by praying for his heart.  Four years from now he may be a completely different man.  Continue to pray, keep God in government even if our government rejects Him.

The recovering codependent in me (Part I)

Counseling has introduced me to the word codependent.  I heard it for the first time about a year and a half ago and brushed it off due to denial, ignorance, an immaturity, and even the codependency itself.  In early June is really when I began the journey to understand, accept, and start the recovery process.  It has not been easy, it has been extremely painful and has left me without any vices to latch onto in an attempt to ease (or control) this pain.  But through this, I have found a father in my Father, I have found a friend in Jesus and I have found the freedom to choose love as opposed to being enslaved to it.

The book "Love is a Choice" has been an incredible resource for me, although the internet offers much information, I still prefer a good book to become more educated on any given topic.  I soaked up the first half of the book like a sponge, mostly due to the fact that it went through just about every possible scenario that would be considered a recipe for the making of a codependent person.  The second half has taken months to get through, because it has involved explaining the work to be done.

Anyone can be considered codependent, and actually most of us are to a degree.  The question is; To what degree am I codependent?  Love is a Choice defines it this way:

"In its broadest sense, codependency can be defined as an addiction to people, behaviors, or things.  Codependency is the fallacy of trying to control interior feelings by controlling people, things, and events on the outside.  To the codependent, control or the lack of it is central to every aspect of life.  The codependent may be addicted to another person. In this interpersonal codependency, the codependent has become so elaborately enmeshed in the other person that the sense of self-- personal identity-- is severely restricted, crowded out by that other person's identity and problems."

So from one recovering codependent to the world:

How I knew codependency was my issue:

• I was unable to separate other's emotions from my own
• There was an undeniable lack of boundaries (physical, emotional, spiritual)
• I was dependent on another person to complete me
• My family of origin had emotional trauma 
• A lack of control in life; and yet trying to hang on to control
• Feeling enslaved to my relationships
• Acting out of fear

This is a compilation of the loudest traits in my life that point to codependency.  I think it necessary to also say that I rated myself on the severe side.  There has been a lot of work that has been done the last few months by me, my counselor, family and friends and most importantly God, that has brought me to a place that understands what healthy is and strives for it.  There is still a long road ahead of  me, much like alcoholics, severe codependents are never completely rid of the issue and maintenance is key to continue with recovery.  

  

Fall to Winter

This morning as I drove toward the copper toned hills of Reading on my way to church, I am reminded that the autumn beauty is coming to an end.  That this season, while not yet over, is transitioning to represent a time of old dying away.  The bright golden hues have come and gone, the strong vibrant reds have faded and we are left with shades of brown, it is a sign that life has gone from the leaves and they are of no use to the tree anymore.  Such beauty in a time of death.  I can't help but think that God created us and nature with metaphors in mind.

I think of each one of us as the trees, our branches are arms reaching up toward the sun.  Growing in His love during the fair weather days, almost in preparation for the next season.  Ironically it's called "Fall," a time of shedding leaves.  A fiery display that is extinguished by passing time and chilly breezes.  The glorious colors offer diversity but all work together to form a collage of warmth on the tree filled hills.  The rains come, as do the gusts of wind, the trials and tribulations.  Trees who lack the strength of deep roots succumb to the power of Zephyrus.  They themselves fall away, at times taking other weakly rooted trees with them.  The leaves are of no use after they are void of chlorophyll, the leaf stem changes as it prepares to leave the tree, it eventually breaks off completely and leaves a small scar on the branch.  Toward the end of the season all the trees reveal the silhouettes of what and who they actually are, a season of vulnerability.  

I feel like this is us.  Representative of yet another point in time, another passing season.  One in which things that were once useful have met the time to pass on, revealing the growth that has happened underneath since the last time things had to pass on.  A "baring all" time.  The time that we allow our scars to be seen, a time that reveals the healing thats about to happen right before our eyes.  Honesty. Being seen.  Being vulnerable.  But in this there is hope.  Because while the old has passed on, the new is already being brought to life.  Death is just a poorly defined facade, new buds have already begun to form but will not be brought to the surface until after they are touched by the cold temperatures and eventually begin to feel the suns warmth amidst longer days.  It's a necessary part of the process in order to allow for new growth.       

The message touched on this today.  So fitting for where I am.  Allowing other's to see the flaws, to live without fear, vulnerability to allow others to see the scars, the twisted branches, the vines that suffocate, or the diseased portions of myself.  But the beauty of redemption is that Jesus covers us, He covers us all with the perfect blanket of white... welcome winter.       

Time, its a real page turner

Wise words from Graham Cooke "God does not measure time, he measures growth." I review my journals and think of these words.  Because I am a woman of action, because right now God has given me a time of rest from the heavy, and because I am fighting against this time of rest in my spiritual life, my counselor encouraged me to take a look back at my journals in order to be reminded how much work has been done.  There is only a Vol 1 and a Vol 2.  They are both made of a soft flexible leather and have unlined paper (unlined for the non-conformist in me).  Each entry is clearly dated and marks the timeline of life for the past 2 years.  

I'm amazed at what God has done in this amount of time.  I read a few entries and remember emotions felt at those specific times, much pain, but then there is relief to know how far God has brought me from those places.  He covers the sins against me, my sins against others, the unhealthy ways I thought, the lack of knowledge I had.  God has been so patient with me.  I stayed in the same place for an (overly) extended amount of time, yet He was right there with me waiting for me to look up at Him and take a step toward Him.  He pulled me from the place of self-pity, tore the name tag off me that read "victim," he broke (and continues to break) the chains of codependency, he has gifted a photo of myself that he took of me with his "God camera lens."  This photo can be represented by verses like: Revelations 21:7, Ephesians 1:4, I Peter 1:18-19, Romans 8:37.  It is how God sees me.  Learning to see ourselves the way God sees us allows us to continue to grow to experience the fullness of his love and the fullness of who we are because of Jesus.  And isn't this the journey we are all on? 

I am thankful God placed people in my life who encouraged writing as a way to process my thoughts and emotions.  Because of them I am able to have tangible evidence for myself that God is working on me, a way to measure, that I am His work in progress, He is the potter and I am His to shape and mold.  Keep it up God, I like where you are taking me.   

The Nemesis of Mascara is Lament

This is the third time within the last 5 months I screamed out to God alone in my car.  I screamed until there was nothing left to push out of my diaphragm, until my throat was raw and my voice was altered, until tears poured and mascara ran as I drove past cars who had no idea the pain that was filling my car in the form of sound waves.  I was alone, and I felt alone... I cried to Jesus to just come back now to get me so this would all go away, so I wouldn't have to feel anymore.  I begged and pleaded with him to just take me out of this place that leaves me grieving the loss of a life I desperately wanted.  The dangerous world between idealistic and realistic, the world I thought I was out of, the world I believed I had grown past.  Processes, everything is a process, another level deeper that reaches a new level of agony.  I was in anguish.  Nothing was helping, except to scream, it was exhausting me physically and allowing me break down in giant sobbing fits.  Questions for my Father flew out of my mouth, why have you left me in this place, how much longer will you leave me here, when will this be less painful, why won't you do something!? 

and then Im transported into Barbara Streisand's body in Yentl... "papa can you hear me?"  I ask him for something, anything, to guide me as to what's next.  I hear nothing.  I feel far away from Him.  Did I anger Him? Was I too emotional in my prayer?  No.  No matter what I do or don't do, the love remains, it is unconditional.  Did he leave me? No.  He will never leave me.  Why then, has this loneliness overwhelmed me?

This is the longest time I have ever had to deal with a life altering change.  It is laying the groundwork for the rest of my life, and the lives of my children.  It isn't fun.  It isn't something I would wish on anyone.  And it isn't by any means easy.  It is reaching up to God minute by minute in humility and saying I don't know, please show me.  It is 50,000 shades of gray that are uncharted, no clear right way.  Tragedy's gray scale.  It is a blazing of a new trail, one that is not exactly like anyone else's trail.  It could be a trail to recovery and restoration for all or it could be restoration for me alone.  My wish is for all but that is not my choice to make for others.  I am left in a time of waiting.  I feel beyond lost and confused.  I am afraid.  I desperately want to please my Father, I want to curl up in his cupped hands as he blesses me for being obedient, but I don't know what being obedient means right now.  I mourn because I feel far from His heart.  

I have been told to allow for days like this.  To give myself permission to feel the seriousness of what is happening.  Days like this though, I can barely stand, even when thinking of the promises God give us.  They don't feel like they are within reach at all.  What's next God, what now? How will you get me out of this place?  This pit?