Striving for persistence

Without Jesus I am stubborn.

Stubbornness: Refusing to move or to change one's opinion; obstinate; firmly resisting

With Jesus I am persistent.

Persistent: Obstinately refusing to give up or let go.

Stubbornness stems from pride, while persistence seeks wisdom.  Stubbornness makes excuses as to why it cannot be done while persistence focuses on possibilities.  Stubbornness pursues it's own comfort zone even if it means rebelling against God, persistence pursues God. I do still refer to myself as stubborn but it is a stubbornness in faith, a stubborn love, and probably is better defined as persistence.  And it does not come from me but from my Father.  The example he has set for us.  He never gives up on us... and he knows some will never believe yet he remains the same.  He loves though we prove time and time again we do not deserve such a perfect love.  Love those who wrong us, love those who run from us, love those who reject us.  Give what has been given to you.  The only way we can do this is to understand it for ourselves.   

Jesus is my SuperHero

My Jesus has rescued me from an insane amount of my "junk".  Hidden junk and evident junk alike.  I love the knowledge that has been brought to me.  I love that he is becoming a bigger piece of pie in the pie chart of life.  The great thing is, He is the one that made it so.  Other people played roles in this, constantly pointing me back to him in my times of sadness, distress, and even joy.  It has grown to be a relationship with Him, not just a label of christian.  He has the made us pure, he has made us beautiful.  Everything has been working toward pushing me closer to Him.  This is what He wanted for me, this is what He patiently waits for all of us.  A follower of Christ... Jesus needs to be my everything.  I cannot do this without Him.

20 years young

Dear 20 year old self,

The person you are right now is not who you will be.  The person you are is someone running from shame but also someone who has allowed yourself to be covered by shame, truly believing you are one step ahead of the flood of shame but drowning in it at the same time.  Calling it something else.  You do not yet have a brain that is fully developed but you think you have everything under control.  You have been someone who hid behind the religious phrases and go-to cliches that christians are supposed to say to people.  Meanwhile, you have not come to understand who God actually is.  You have walls that are surrounded by moats, barbed wire, and attack dogs in order to keep yourself safe, yet inside is your very own self-torment chamber.  You are in denial of your own pain.  You are confused and broken but you add a fresh layer of glue with any evidence of cracking that may occur.  It is all for naught.  It is all wasted energy.  You don't know it but there is something greater for you.

You will know that accepting Jesus as your savior was not the end point but the beginning.  That following requires you to have not only your eyes fixed on Him, but your ears listening for his footsteps, your hands grabbing onto his clothes...following with every part of yourself at all times to see where he is leading you in your journey.  The cloak of shame given to you early in your life will begin to unravel, leaving a trail of threads that show how far you have come.  Lightening the load by bringing these things into the light.  You are much more than you believe you are.  Jesus did pay it all in order for you to be more than you are.

You won't know it until you are almost in your third decade of life.  You will wonder why it took you so long and you will wish you could go back and "do life" over again knowing what you know.And when I say know, I don't mean a shallow grasping of the concept, I mean a deep heart knowledge that changes. your. life.  But be encouraged, this is all going to be used for God, this is all preparing you for what you will come to know.  The extreme blindness that you have now will make this knowledge more breathtaking than if you were only nearsighted.  When God brings us out of the darkness we didn't know we were in, the light is even more vibrant and radiant.  God's love for us is extreme, and I am excited for you to accept his love for you.

Have hope my younger self, you will love who God has made you to be.

Scratching the Itch

Every so often I get this intense itch.  It is a nagging itch that if scratched would send my life into a world of extreme simplicity.  A radical life.  But like any physical itch, if left alone, if ignored, it subsides and is forgotten.  I am reminded of the time we hiked through the PA Grand Canyon and as we went off trail I touched the stinging nettle plant (otherwise known as 7-minute-itch).  Yes it really does burn, sting, and itch for approximately 7 minutes, scratch it and it will last longer as I found out.  Leave it alone and it will go away on its own, quickly forgotten.

My itch in life keeps coming back.  I feel the nagging feeling and I keep touching it because I want the relief of scratching it!  I crave a life that is far different from what the popular culture values.  Minimalistic in nature, life would be basic, would be simple, and would avoid all frills.  A life of anti-materialism.  Evaluating what exactly is needed and removing the excess.  Do we really need five sets of bedsheets, a closet full of towels, or scarves that cover all the colors.  Do we need more than one cocktail dress, scads of makeup, or decor for each season?  A life that strays from what society expects us to do.  A life that instead is based on intentionality.

I think of wasted time.  According to Dailymail.com, typically women will spend 474 days (1 year and 3 months) of their life applying makeup.  We are not on this earth long enough to justify wasting that much time.  Especially when other research shows that it can take as little as 10,000 hours (417 days) to become proficient at anything.  There are other articles about time spent standing in lines, and time spent in cars, but this particular one makes me ill because it is based on vanity and appearances.  Looking nice is one thing, recreating your face is another.  Okay makeup rant over... launching an anti cosmetic campaign is not my focus.  My focus is trimming the fat from our lives in order to place value on what truly matters

I think of wasted money because we are a consumer driven people trapped in the world of advertisers and marketing plans.  The cars that say "drive me and you will be one of the elite" the bra that says "wear me and you will be your man's dream come true" the jewelry that says "buy this and your lady will know she is loved." They are lies.  We should not allow ourselves to be identified by the things we wear, the vehicles we drive, or the gifts we give.  This is sickening that we live in a world of shallow thought processes which then have allowed companies to use this weak mindedness to their advantage.  Money spent on being sure we have all the latest and greatest technology.  Money spent creating a wardrobe that is the envy of all our friends and keeps us trendy.  Money spent on toys that are only enjoyed for moments before they are tossed to the side.

What I do want.

To live in a home that shields from the harsh weather.  To have my family healthy (spiritually, emotionally, physically).  To have my family together.  To value the time spent in relationships.  To be a good steward of time.  To have items I need and no more than that.  To live a life of generosity because I need less than what I have and to understand what I have is ultimately God's.  To know God better.  To gain His perspective, to have His heart.  To be His hands and feet... And to Love Well.  

Budding Buddies

My own relationships with my siblings has never been what I imagined it would be like.  I see my friends with sisters and envy the closeness they share.  The bond they have is a tightly connected one.  My mother has this same connection with her own sisters.  They are united together and when devastation came in the form of death of their parents they drew strength from one another as they mourned the losses, reminisced, and shared the responsibilities of caring for the ones that passed.  My younger siblings are 12+ years younger than me so a relationship that is closer won't happen until they are older, which is ok, I can be patient.  My older sister and I are only two years apart... but almost completely withdrawn and it continues to worsen as we get older.  I have moments when I believe the relationship can be mended but those are fleeting and majority of the time I have little to no hope of healing occurring.

I turn my attention to my own kids.  Because I am keenly aware of sibling rivalry and jealousy I pray against those things ripping them apart.  At this point, it seems promising... which may be because they are 6 years apart and also boy/girl.

Jackson is an incredibly sweet and sensitive boy, Brynn could not have been given a better big brother.  He cares for her in a way that exemplifies patience beyond what I have ever been able to give him.  At almost 8 years old his mind works to put pieces of people together and view them in a way that sees beyond the surface.  He is smart when it comes to the behavior of others, he understands what is going on and the pain people feel.  He desires to protect Brynn.  He worries about her soul.  He won't defend himself against others of any size and this is especially true with his little sister.  Brynn is a tough cookie, she's got the spirited little sister role down and she does not shy away from roughness.  She loves to be in on the action when Jackson roughhouses and I believe she thinks she is bigger than she is.  But she loves her big brother.  Every night is the same, she must, and I mean MUST get into Jackson's bed with him.  Even if we come home and he is already asleep in his bed, she cries until she snuggles up to him, does a few alligator rolls, and lovingly pinches his ear.  Some nights she mimics him by "reading" a book next to him.  Other nights she commandeers his stuffed animals as he shows her the stars projected on the ceiling.  I love watching them interact and I pray I don't get in the way of the growing relationship, that I can help them grow to love each other in a way that is pleasing to God.  I see them being each other's biggest supporters in life, that the love of Jesus will be seen in them, I see Brynn showing Jackson how to use his voice and I see Jackson helping Brynn to harness hers with kindness.   These two are gifts that keep on giving, small people with bright souls.

Emotionally drained.

I need Jesus (and a brownie).

Romans 12:12 Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.