Travel Itinerary

I had a plan this weekend.  I knew what I wanted to get out of it and I was sure to tell God what my own plans were.  

We are so foolish sometimes to think that our plans are the ones worth following.  God gave us unseasonably warm weather, sunshine with clouds that offered reprieve, a landscape that proved challenging and magnificent, and company that proved inspiring and uplifting just by mere presence alone.  There was a loose list of things to do, hikes to take, scenes to see.  There was also a personal list of things I wanted to accomplish in my quiet time with God.  I believed I was going to focus on learning more about my identity in Christ, who I am according to God and what his purpose for my life could be.  

Instead, it was as if God just kept reminding me that he gives us rest and that sometimes it is as simple as that.  The rest was physical and it was emotional.  My mind was not bogged down at night with dreams or weighty thoughts, in fact it was quite the opposite.  I had such a clean mind I went to bed around nine and slept a full (as much as you can with a baby) ten hours, only waking a few times to comfort her cries.  My phone was on in case of an emergency but the messages were ignored.  I was able to fully enjoy the quiet the trail offers without distraction of social media, or Netflix, or life itself.  I was enjoying God's artistry in nature but also his artistry when he formed me.  He does not create things void of beauty.  I came home with the affirmation that God made me a woman who will continue to strive to know the fullness of who God created me to be and it was at rest that I found this pearl.  

Having a walker who would rather walk.  But she soon realized my way was a better way.  Much like God's ways are better than ours.  

Trusting the most most bumpy of rides. 

Once again choosing the most difficult trail to absorb the best view

Avoiding Mr. Sandman

It's midnight, I am tired, I would like to fall asleep.  I am stressing about what dream I may have tonight, to the point that I couldn't sleep if I tried.  I avoided sleep by filling my night with meal prep, party prep, and baby duty... worked well until meal prep was finished, party prep was completed and baby fell asleep.  So now it is just me and my thoughts.

I worry about the dream I may or may not have.  The dream that may be a gift of hope from God, a way to tell me to just keep going, to stay the narrow path.  Or it could be my sub conscience being cruel in the dark hours.  Either way, I wake up depressed, in emotional torment, and wishing the day was over before it has begun.  My heart hurts, real raw pain weighs my body down as I wake to my "right now" reality.  A headache is common during the day after waking from this dream.  I usually meet God in the car at some point during the day and I ask him questions like "why did you let me have that dream?" "Are you aware of how much pain I am in because of that dream?" "Im not a fan of this whole torture whitney by toying with her emotions game!"  But I then have to ask; ok but why God do you continually give me this dream, or allow me to have this repetitious dream with the seemingly same theme of hope?  What is the purpose of this particular dream?  The dream is never in the same place, and it rarely consistent with the "extras" in it but it is always the same conversation between two people.  I try to push it so far from my memory but the emotions from the dream linger on throughout the day, they are beyond difficult to shake.

And it is strange because I know that if this particular dream stops, I will mourn the loss of it.  I will ask for God to give it to me just once more.

One thing is for sure... I need a Joseph in my life.  

The Team

I hesitate to even write this blog post because I realize even the title itself sounds pompous and self-serving.  I also am hesitant to post this because there are life circumstances playing out right now that must be handled with gentle hands.   At the same time the team that surrounds me is ultimately part of the body and are not only standing with me, they are standing for marriage, for the growth and health of others involved, for the betterment of the body, and most importantly they stand looking past me and at the Father.

Please do not assume you know what I am going to say about them.  Please do not assume that I believe there is an opposing team.  If you think I am going to talk about how they have chosen the "right" side; you are wrong, (I chose them, they didn't choose me). If you think I am going to talk about the amount of people that believe me; you are wrong (My identity does not rest in the opinions of others).  If you think I am going to talk about the visiting team and how they don't stand a chance; you are wrong (the only enemy we have is Satan).  And if you think I am going to try to convince you to join my team you are also wrong (We are team Jesus, we should all be on the same team).  This is not about sides, this is about how they have worked and partnered with me as I learn to walk with Jesus.  This is the benefit of doing life together.   

This team is Jesus's entourage and that is how they have loved me so well.  

What has loving me looked like? 

It has been a lot of things.  Pretty much all the love languages.  Gifts, words of affirmation, physical touch, quality time, and acts of service.  They have poured into me with all these.  They have prayed for me, they have prayed with me, they have listened to me as I process out loud, they have listened to me excitedly tell them all I have learned, they have cried with me.   These are all good things but it doesn't end there.  

The tougher side of love.  

They keep me accountable to keep the healthy boundaries.  I have given actual written lists to certain teammates in order for them to keep me on track.  I tell them when I slip up and it's met with non condemning words.  They already know I know I was wrong.  They have a job to listen, and they understand that.  Then I am met with encouragement to just keep moving forward, press into God once again.  

I tell them when I am dealing with temptation.  When the feelings of loneliness grow to overpower my friendship with Jesus.  They listen.  They help me process.  Then they pray with me.  Confessing our wrong thoughts to another trusted person is so liberating and takes power away from the enemy.  I used to live in shame of my sinful thoughts, I would hide them, and deny I had them in order to appear "good".  But that only keeps things in the dark, and is detrimental to our growth as individuals and as a body.    

They give me truth.  When I ask for it or when I am blind or unaware of my self.  I know I can ask them questions about the reality, I trust they will tell me what they see from a biblical perspective.  I trust they won't tell me what I hope to hear but they will tell me what I need to hear.  That is love. 

They offer counsel.  It's an honest discussion, processing information, discussing options, prayerful consideration, and the giving of truth.  

I can compare this team to a pack of runners.  Each takes turns leading and they push the team to go faster, to be stronger as a unit.  They have sharpened me, they have challenged me, they have pushed me toward God. I have been blessed with friendships of some sharp minded individuals and I have seen them grow throughout this experience.  

How is your team doing? Questions to ask yourself about the team that surrounds you:  Are they ok with you staying where you are, or do they desire to see you grow, to improve?  Do they tell you what you want to hear in order to make you feel good, or do they give you truth even if it hurts?  Are you afraid to be vulnerable and share your dark thoughts, or are you free to confess the temptations in your life without fear?  Will you be condemned and shamed or will you be encouraged and freed, will they point you back to Christ?  Do they value loyalty to people or loyalty to God and his commandments?        

Let it also be known that these people did not seek me out.  I sought them out.  I reached out for help... this took humility to know I needed help.  I knew the challenges were beyond me, I lacked the knowledge to figure it out on my own.  Anyone can have all that I have.  But like the gift of Jesus, you must invite others in to help you.  Loving like jesus means they do not force themselves on you, he sure doesn't!

Broken

We live in a fallen world.  A world full of broken people whose lives are being shattered by the choices being made.  I look all around me and I see sadness, heartache, misery, pain, hurt, denial.  The past few days all this has been even more evident and I feel heavy and a bit hopeless.  Even in the midst of my own seemingly impossible situation, hopelessness is not something I have felt for months.

I picked Jackson up from Good News club and was met with familiar faces that went to my high school.  They too, have children around my son's age who attend the same school he does and are a part of this uplifting club.  The faces I saw of my former classmates seemed tired, lacking energy, and seemed beaten down by life itself.  After a short conversation it was clear they too had lives that had not been without intense emotional trauma which resulted in families being ripped apart.  It was also clear that there didn't seem to be an end in sight.  Brokeness that just keeps on yielding more brokeness.    I ran into another friend on this same day and she cried as she told me about her son who has been hurt by the religious culture.  I met another friend for lunch today and she too had her own sad news to tell in multiple parts of her life, addiction, divorce, estranged parents.  My heart has never been more empathetic for these family situations and I weep on the inside, I silently cry out to God as I listen to these stories of sadness.  Such pain that trickles down to each person involved with the ones that are the epicenters of pain.

But this is our fallen world.  This is us having a free will.  Choices to make.  Each of us is responsible for our own actions, our own emotions, and our own responses to how others treat us, our own choices.  We have many choices to make on a daily bases.  With each choice we make which allows the enemy to win, more pieces break off of us as well as those around us.  If we continue along this path without God we will only continue to drag others into our brokenness from past pains, it is a vicious cycle that just keeps on spiraling out of control.  Fingers pointed will only allow us to stay where we are, and that has never been the goal.  God gave you the tools, he gave you his truths, yes we are broken but that allows us to see the beauty of God to restore us.  

"In a bed of roses, she is a wildflower"

Her Birthday was a month ago, but I just now was able to load photos.  I chose the theme of "Wild One." Very fitting for my little wildflower.  

Young Friendships budding

Approaching life with boldness 

Her life has already shown this will be her destiny.  Believe the impossible baby girl.  

May you be drawn to the light

That you will know you are loved

That you will learn from your older brother

And that you will understand how you gave me strength to stand.  

Content with the least of things

May you live out the whispers of love others pray into your life.  

This book titled "Adventure Awaits," will follow you with each passing year.  I have asked those who  were at your party to write a note, encouraging words, what they see for Brynn, and what they see in her, a prayer for her.  Each year additions will be made on her birthday but also as major events happen in her life.  The following is what I have written:

My precious baby girl, 

You came into this world in a vibrant entrance, proving you were confident in your readiness.  You are a force, full of a fierce fire and a mouth full of teeth.  You contemplate feats of daring and choose in your own time when is the right time to reign victorious over them.  You are a beauty, and a warrior, unafraid to be up close and personal with insects others may fear.  You push limits, and wait to see what the response will be from onlookers.  You know you have not reached your limit even though others doubt your capabilities.  Your favorite times are with those who feed your adventurous appetite, tossed high in the air, wrestled to the ground, tossed into pillows, enjoying the outdoors... allowing you to explore without worry.  You climb everything, getting to the top seems to give you a sense of accomplishment and with a face full of content smiles, you sit proud at the top swinging your legs back and forth.  You have a physical strength, a strong grip, and unwillingness to give up or let go.    

You have an appreciation for femininity.  You are drawn to the pretty things whether man-made or God's handiwork.  You observe and inspect, then try to dissect. You love to be found captivating.  You attempt to "put on" clothes and relish in the positive oohs and ahhs.  A sweet smile appears as you understand you have found favor.  You are sensitive, a turned back or being left in a room alone and you melt in a puddle of tears.  You have a heart for sadness, and attempt to comfort with cuddles and pats. You are high in sensory need, you must be touching or caressing skin as you sleep, you love to touch my face and ears as you doze off.  Sometimes you grab my hand and put it completely over your face.  

God blessed you with your genetic make up, a musical gift that is so prominent in your family.  You are already showing signs you have rhythm and a love for a glorious sound.  I cannot wait to hear you  grow in this.   

Your brother is your chew toy, your stress ball, but also your joy, your personal comedian, and your friend.  I know you will have much to offer him and he will have much to offer you as you grow into adulthood.  You are opposites but would be balanced in a friendship.    

You have a face that is beyond expressive, your "oh" face has been so recognizable and everyone knows this face now.  You have so many faces that entertain and ignite joy in the hearts of those around you.  You are funny, and find yourself funny and laugh at yourself but many times are unamused by others.  

You know what you want and who you want.  If you do not want to be held by someone, it is clear, and forcing themselves will cause you to scream, push away, and even bite.  

I have come to know you so well in this last year.  I have loved being your mommy, and I have loved staying home with you, watching you grow.  I pray many things over your life.  I pray you will grow to love Jesus, that you will choose to move toward the light and grow to be brighter than I have been. I pray that you will know who you are in Christ, that you will understand and accept the love of your heavenly Father.  I pray that you will have a grasp on your value as a woman, that you will treasure the gifts God has given you.  I pray your heart will remain soft despite pains that life brings.  I pray you will learn to channel your fire for God's purpose.  I pray against any blame or shame, lies of the enemy.  I pray against trauma.  I pray against generational sins that I have failed to see, and that we as your parents have failed you and have become another link in the chain.  I pray God would break those chains for you.  I pray protection over your innocence, that you would not know things too soon.  I pray for you to grow in discernment but love anyway.  I pray for you be loved well and to love well.  I pray you would believe anything is possible and that you would know nothing is too big for God.  That God would show you this in your life, time and time again.  Above all I pray you will choose to follow Jesus the day you understand.  

Stumble

For the past two weeks or so I allowed myself to be completely and utterly distracted.  My journal pages remained untouched, my bible stayed tucked into my bag, my micron pens suffered from atrophy as did my spiritual muscles.  I gave God the silent treatment even though I craved him.  It was like I fasted from vegetables and feasted on sweets.  I intentionally deprived myself of Jesus even though my body, mind, and soul longed for time with Him.  I felt his tugs and gentle nudges and waved my hand at him as if to say "Not now Papa, I am busy trying to do your work."  Hypocrisy, that I so often despise is what I was showing.  Where were my boundaries? Where was my voice to say I am sorry but I need God right now, I will talk to you later.  I was running and my feet were going too far ahead of my brain.  BOOM I fall.  This was time, precious time, that was time spent in a lull, a non-growth period.  I spend more precious time beating myself up.

A form of growing pains.  God's grace covers it, He kneels down, he is down on eye level with you as you feel the pain, He looks into your eyes and you look into his.  His eyes say "Yes you stumbled, but I still love you."  You feel the fullness of his grace and love and you are humbled at his kindness, you hang your head in humility as he embraces you again and says "I have given you all you need to get back up, let me help you, let's keep going...together." And this... this is the beauty, this causes me to love Him more.  He never leaves us when we prove our imperfection, he proves to me time and time again that nothing I do, no amount of imperfection will ever cause him to leave me.    

this is me growing in grace.

Safe Place

A place that is void of emotional danger or risk, no chance of harm, in fact it is a place that almost reverses harm done elsewhere.  I love French Creek, I always have.  I was introduced to it at a young age and it is one of the few positive connections I have to my biological father.  Often Sunday visitations would be spent here, he may be responsible for my love of the outdoors.  Skipped classes would be spent here in my high school years, naps would be had on the picnic tables, competitive games of disc golf would be played, cross country runs, relaxing kayak dates, and much time in solitude.  If parks could hug, this park welcomes me with a warm embrace each time.  It has so much beauty to offer, trails with character, roots of trees that run like veins throughout the ground are the very bloodlines.  I breathe it in and want more.  

 

After a tough day I know myself well enough to know I need to be here.  My daughter and I spent hours there, taking our time and taking it all in.  Sharing this spot with her is a gift I hope she will cherish, I hope this will grow to be her safe place as well.  We hiked, explored leaves of color, ate a packed lunch while sitting directly on the dusty trail.  She fell asleep on me and I would have stayed in this place forever.  Time has no place in a place like this.  The emotional world in my heart was quieted, given a peace, I heard God whisper Here Whitney, this is my reprieve for you, enjoy this beauty, I created it with you in mind. 

I breathe slowly and deeply.   

Discounted Groceries with Priceless Conversation

I went to BB's yesterday.  BB's is a treasure chest full of possibilities.  From organic produce to diapers, to raw sugar, and vitamins you can find a plethora of items that could be 50% off the normal retail cost.  It is simple, no frills, and no time or energy wasted on creating an aesthetically pleasing shopping experience that you would get at Whole Food's or Trader Joe's.

As I entered I had expectations of what I may or may not find on the mental list in my head, as I walked down to the first aisle I saw a familiar face.  A face I have only come to know only a little while ago, but a face that is so welcoming and kind, and I could not just keep walking.  We stopped and talked for a half hour.  In the conversation we talked life in the spiritual realm, we were women that did not have time for small talk of weather or how good our kids are doing in school, we jumped into the depths of our lives.  God's presence was in BB's.  Each of us stood on either side of the aisle while others passed and shopped around us, they were able to tune into the conversation if they would have chosen to do so.  We talked the seasons each of us are in with our heavenly Father and where we had been in season's past.  We spoke of struggles to know the answers to the question "What's next God?" and "What is your purpose in this?"  I found commonality with the things she was sharing and I walked away praying for her as I prayed for the answers to both our questions.  She gave advice she didn't know she was giving by sharing pieces of her story.  I felt refreshed knowing other's have walked struggles of their own, are still walking them but continue to look to God.

Brotherly Love

I had always wanted a brother growing up.  My older sister and I never really did well to get along with one another and I always thought if I had had a brother things would have been different, I would have been protected.  This may or may not have been the case but eventually I did get a little brother.

I was 17 when he was born, and didn't get a chance to appreciate him as much.  Now that I am (temporarily) back home, there has been a rare second chance to know both him and my younger sister.  My sister just turned 16 and is right in the middle of her teen years when friends, sports, and school work keep her pretty busy.  She and I will grow to know one another better in her adult years I am sure.  Jesse, my brother, on the other hand, is home much of the time and I have learned to appreciate who he is growing to be.  He has impressed me multiple times and I walk away from him awestruck at his heart.  It is always in a very Jesse way that he shows love.

Tonight, as he watched me drag myself to the dinner table, he noticed puffy eyes that were glazed over.  I had a rough afternoon and evening after a difficult letter and it was evident from my swollen eyes, and red cheeks I was not well.  Jesse's eyes couldn't pull away from my face until he asked if I was sick, "No" I said, do you have a sore throat?, "No" I said again.  At this point, my mom chimed in "Her heart is sick." After a moment or two Jesse spoke again, "Do you want soup?" This was him offering to make it for me.  A little man who desired to fix something... to make it better.    

Kindness.  That's what this was.

Though he does not know the depths of the pain I am enduring he is content not knowing and it does not affect his kindness toward me.  There is not an equation that tells how much or how little pain, or if it even merits an act of kindness, he just knows something is wrong and he wants to help.  May he always have this softness toward those in pain.  

Most Difficult

Yes this is me.  "Most Difficult." I love this photo and what it represents.  I was hiking at Susquehannock State Park with a good friend.  We chose to complete the trail that was rated the most difficult because nothing is worth doing unless it is a challenge.  This was also a week before I met my husband.  This picture is prophetic, maybe I should have shown him this before he asked to take me out haha!

But usually the most difficult of trails offers the most beauty.  The places hardest to reach have the best outlooks and offer more than just a good workout.  They give you a sense of accomplishment, a limitless feeling that motivates you to climb higher, push further, to press on in spite of the oppositions we may face, because experience says there is much to be gained.  This is me.  I know God created me with much to offer but I also know there is much to overcome.  He keeps pushing me farther into his arms with gentle nudges, convictions, and a deeper realization of his love for me.  Together he helps me to press in, and press on... to know Him intimately so the difficult things in me can be used for Him.  It is beautiful, I am so thankful that he allows me to witness this firsthand, that he chose me for these things.  Painful yes, but so is hiking up Mount Washington, the view is worth every second of cramping quads and burning lungs.  Pain drives me further into everything He is.  Praise God he is everything we need, every moment we need it.  And praise God for his creation, just look at his handy-work!

Mount Washington (not quite the summit)

Standing above the clouds on solid ground, just incredible

Thank You Note

The generosity of others astounds me.  At this point in my life I have been the neediest I have ever been yet I have never felt so fulfilled.  I know it is ultimately through God that this is the case but he has used so many of you in my life.  I feel I need to dedicate at least one Blog post to those who have felt the tug to love me in so many ways.

There are those who have offered me jobs.  Not just any job, but jobs that allow me to bring my children with me so I am able to continue to be a stay-at-home mother and still have an income.  These jobs have given me a schedule, a way to fill time, financial support, and healthy environments.  Thank you to those who have had a hand in passing my name along, creating a job, or simply thinking of me to fill a need.  I am grateful for the hodgepodge jobs I have right now in my time of transition.

There are those who have been ears to listen, shoulders to cry on, mouths to speak truth, and hands to help pull me up off the ground.  You have been generous with your time, and your energy as you listen to the ups and downs of my emotional distresses.  You have been ready and willing to offer hugs of comfort and sympathetic cries.  You have seen me ugly cry and yet you did not leave me.  You have echoed God's voice of truth and His promises.  You have been patient with me as you witness growth and as you witness me falling over my pride.  You have all been so firmly planted, sharing the gifts God has given you to show me love in every possible way.
   
There are those who have offered up their homes as places I can get away from my thoughts, to get away from the familiar.  The hospitality they have shown me did not go unnoticed.  I have been so warmly embraced by many different families who are unrelated to me but who are related in spirit.  They have cared deeply, and I know I am welcome in these places.

There are those who know me in passing, but know it's a difficult time, and they have given spontaneous gifts of encouragement.  Gift cards to target, to a local market, gift baskets, hand-me-downs to myself and my kids, books, diapers/wipes, coffee, meals (both homemade and bought), cards, quotes, a text with a scripture reference, a text that reminds me they are praying... the list goes on!  These are reminders of God's presence in my life, that there are people who are blessing me with thoughtful gifts, and they are being led to do so by our God.

I am the worst for thank you notes... I never have them handy and I find myself struggling to find the words to use.  Please, all of you, accept this as my thank you note.  I love everyone of you, I am grateful for all that you have done for me.  Most of you can be thanked for multiple things mentioned.   I am truly blessed beyond what I ever thought was possible.  What you have done will not be forgotten and I pray that God blesses you ten fold for your generous spirits.



  

A Lesson in Hand-Me-Downs

Living as a female in our throw away society I am so thankful that I hang with the non-conformists.  So much is disposable to world, or not worth the time or energy we would need to invest to fix it.  So much gets wasted as opposed to being reused, recycled, or up-cycled.  

Today, thanks to the non-conformists, I had the pleasure of going through hand-me-downs (for myself, not my kids).  It was awesome, and FUN! I loved that they thought of me, that when I went to their house they said hey here are bags of clothes we went through and picked what we liked, "take what you want."  My friends who understand those in need, who understand the uselessness of unnecessarily investing in clothing when so much is available through the generosity of someone's old wardrobe.  They understand the identity of myself and of themselves does not lie in the freshest duds or the name on the tag.  They understand our great provider provides by using his children as his hands and feet.  Passing clothes around friends fulfills needs. One man's trash truly is another man's much appreciated treasure.

Marriages and friendships are thrown away every day.  Look at the divorce rate in our culture, at the amount of families that are estranged from one another.  I am guilty of this, I have a sister I don't talk to and a father who I disassociated myself and I have had friendships slip through my fingers because loving them was too difficult, it required too much of myself.  We are messy.  We are all broken.  We all require the love of God to be whole.  We, as followers of Christ, are to love like Jesus.  Jesus recruited fishermen and tax collectors, he loved those who were "bottom of the barrel" people.  He used them.  Same goes for marriages that are the messiest, for families that haven't got a prayer.  For the one's who others see as "not worth it" or  "too much work" God sees as a precious story for his purpose.  Jesus treasured those who the world trashed.