Same Place Different Time

The Reading Hospital. It is where I myself took my first breath of oxygen. It is where my journey in life began, and where the journey of loved ones ended.  I am here with my son who suffers from severe asthma.  He struggles to breathe air, as do I... but for a completely different reason. 

There is a myriad of emotions connected to the walls, the smells, the hallways, even the artwork that hangs on the walls.  My brain is flooded with memories that are heavy.  My heart grieves as I allow myself to feel, to feel it all completely.  I pray to my father for comfort, for provisions of peace and endurance.  I know I will be in this place of mourning for a time undeclared but I pray that He keeps holding my hand as He gently guides me toward the growing light. 

The birth of my daughter...

I cannot even begin to tell you how tormented my heart is with this memory.  It was only 11 months ago.  11 months ago and my husband loved me that day.  I watched my husband become a daddy to a precious baby girl.  I had felt protected when he wouldnt allow family to visit until we had a day to ourselves.  He coached me through a birth without an epidural (I went into it definitely wanting drugs!).  He was so kind, whispered in my ear that I was a tough and savage girl... His tough and savage girl.  He respected my wishes to stay up by my head, and held my hand as I dealt with the painful contractions.  She was born and she was beautiful.  She had his nose and his eyes, a sweet cry filled our room.  He loved holding her on his bare chest and he cried as he realized this beautiful gift he had been given.  I was overwhelmed with what had happened as well and as we listened to the song "light" by gungor we cried silent tears. 

But now, almost a year later life looks much different, our future is uncertain as a married couple and our precious gift was not something that could hold us together.  Hatred pours from his eyes when he sees me now... he looks at me as a savage girl but one who has stolen his happiness.  I am now the enemy.  I had foolishly tried to hold onto the threads that held us together, but now I am learning to let go and let God.  This is not what I thought life would look like.  It's a "day at a time" life now.  It's an "alright God, Im just going to have to trust you" life.  It's an "I know You will work everything together for Your good" life.  And everyday He has to remind me. 

These walls, oh if they could talk, what they could tell you about points of my life. 

The Call

To the women who have the courage to speak but are called liars.  The ones who know God hates the mistreatment of his daughters.  To those who understand that misinterpretation and manipulation of scripture for selfish desires is wrong.  For the women who have chosen to escape the abuse.  The women with fathers who taught them they deserved less. To the wife who is 29 years deep in a marriage that has robbed her of her identity through a husband's forced hand.  To the Mother who is called stupid and dumb by her sons because it is what is expected.  To the woman who believes she is worthless, and unworthy of love.  To the woman who has been brave enough to make the tough choices and is met with criticism.  To the mothers of daughters who long for their baby girls to be valued and cherished.  To the mothers of sons who understand that what their sons see as boys is what they will do as men.  To the women who remain in the codependent cycle and are unable to recognize it.  To the sisters in denial of the reality.  To the wives who have not been allowed to heal.  To the wives who have taken the blame on themselves for the sins of their husbands.  To those women who think "it isn't that bad" or "he never hit me".  To the women who believe they deserve to be shaken or called a demeaning name.  To the women who are told to submit more and nag less.  The women who continue to try harder to be better.  To the wives who have sacrificed life itself in the name of faithfulness.

....To these, I stand with you, I stand for you.  I stand in the truth that God loves and values you, you are his creation and you are not dumb or stupid.  It is wrong for anyone to suggest otherwise.    

To the brothers, fathers, uncles, nephews, cousins, step-dads, pastors... where are you?  Are you standing with your sisters in Christ?  Or are you standing in the middle, afraid to offend, afraid of being rejected by man?  Do you stand in the truth of our great Judge? Or do you cower in the corners of technicalities and manners?  Are you avoiding God's tugging to present truth to those who need it?  Are you ignorant to the cancers in our body?  Are you showing Christ's love to those women?  Are you enabling the sin to continue? Who are you protecting?  or What are you protecting?  A reputation? Secrets?  

I urge you to strive to know God's heart on this matter.  Stand against darkness, secrets, the objectification and mistreatment of your sisters.  Stand up for those who don't value themselves.  Stand up for the ones who are breaking the silence.  Allow God to remove the blindfolds!  Be lights in the darkness.  

To the women who remain silent or even stand against the sisters who are being oppressed and pushed down both literally and figuratively. To the women who have chosen the side of darkness because you are too comfortable in the dark place, and fear has kept you there.  To the mothers who stand with their sons because blood has a hold on you, because you are fearful of losing a relationship.  

I am sorry no one allowed you to have a voice and you are repeating what is being done to you.  My heart breaks for you.  But I stand up for you as well in hopes that one day you will see the truth, that you will know the true love of your heavenly Father.  That you will know you were created for a greater purpose.

To the men who have been guilty of inflicting the pain, but have taken the road less traveled.  The ones who, by God's healing power, have come out on the other side.  Have repented and experienced God's mercy and grace and have turned around a marriage.  The ones who have had soft hearts.  The ones who have allowed the love for God to win out over pride.  

I thank you.  Thank you for being a testimony, for allowing God to use your story.  Thank you for being part of breaking a generational sin.  Please help others who are where you have been, do not be ashamed of your story, be bold for God, be bold for those who are stuck.  I am asking you to share your story for God's glory!  Yours is a powerful story of God's redemptive power!

This is a call for all.  We need our women to be healthy, and we need our men to be healthy.  We need our churches to be healthy.  We need to be a light that overcomes the darkness.  "Oh Lord break our hearts for what breaks yours!"

This week will be remembered

Momentum.  It is something I have lost within the last week.  My God continues to pour out his grace on my during this process.  He understands my broken heart and I know he weeps for me.  He cradles my heart as I mourn and grieve the loss of a life I imagined I would have.  He is patient with me as I lifelessly stare at his scripture, I just cannot seem to bring myself to read his words.  He remains with me while I pray, I begin, "Oh my Heavenly Father..."  but nothing but tears follow.   Tears of pain, frustration, and anger at the blindness of others and past blindness of myself.  Sharp words have been causing doubt, causing wounds to be reopened.  The cannons, these lies, have put huge holes in my ship's sails, in an attempt to sink, to rattle.  But God is powerful, God mends, He strengthens.

His Truth:

I am worth it, He will invest the time in me when others will not.  I am broken but I am not damaged goods.  I am difficult but I am not impossible.  I am a sinner but because of his son I am justified, redeemed, and am forever freed from the chains of sin.  

I feel like I have lost my fight this week.  Hope remains, but I am exhausted.  The burden of the hopelessness of other's is heavy.  They do not know the same God I love.  I give them over to my Father.  God is still working, still revealing.  These revelations are intensely painful.  Realizations that this period of heartache will not be ending soon but God still has a plan for me.  Accepting this is not something I am ready for, but again, it is a process.  I want to be used for His purpose, even if it does not end up being what my desire is.

The fight is still in me, but it is going through transformation.  I am removing myself from God's way, I will no longer try to zealously stand beside him with my fists held high, I now need to kneel behind God's shield, trusting that he will protect me now, that he has a plan for me and for the others involved.  Trusting that he will shine a light in the dark places.  Allowing him to be the almighty one.

B is for Bold

I have written about fear.  Fear of the future.  Fear of what is.  That fear is circumstantial.

This.  This is not my forever home.  I am here but a moment in time.  Why am I scared of those around me?  Why do I allow them to keep my voice silent?  For fear of how they will react, what they may think of me.  However, I have truth to give.  God has revealed much, why shouldn't I share?  For fear of offending? Jesus offended many.  He offended the "Holiest" of men.

I am learning this is so much bigger than me.  I am just a piece in God's puzzle.  I am another piece that is added to bring the full picture into view.  Our lives are the planets and we are to revolve around the sun (Son).  When I think of eternity... this life is truly just a moment in time.  Why worry, why fret, I will be with my Lord and Savior one day.  I am ready at any time but I know God has more planned for me here on Earth.  So why fear?  BE BOLD! Take opportunity! Share What Jesus has done for you, share what journey you have had on your way to know God better.  I am living mine now, you are a witness to it.

..."But what will they think?"...

I am thinking...WHO CARES!  What will God see?  He knows my heart better than anyone, his is the opinion that matters far more than any one person here.  We are called to be the hands and feet! So go out, move if you are a foot, speak if you are a mouth, listen if you are an ear, comfort if you are a shoulder.
 

Going for Gold is heavy

Rio de Janeiro has everyone's eyes and ears as we have been cheering on our own countries.  I love the Olympics, I look forward to them each year they are scheduled, I love that I get to watch "my sports" like track and field... because no one ever wants to watch those types of events except for during the Olympics.  I am always in awe of the athleticism of each qualifier and love to see the body worked in such a way.  Putting everything they have on the line.

This year I am having trouble watching.

Within the last year I have watched the movie City of God.  I am unable to shake the scenes from my memory.  They were disturbing.  The movie is based in the 1960's, taking place in the slums of Rio.  The plot is centered around a boy who grows up in the area and his interactions with his friends as they grow to become young adults.  While the main character seems to stay on the straight and narrow compared to his com padres, he dances on the edge of danger.  During the movie you see brothels, murders by the young, drugs, and much of what life in the slums is like.  Children are put in their place with the use of guns.  It is heartbreaking to watch.  *Spoiler alert* In the end the drug dictator is put in his place (shot and killed) by a group of young children (ages 7-10 I'm guessing) who figure out there is power in numbers.  You see the dark cycle begin again except this generation is even younger than the original.

I have read present day articles highlighting sex trafficking happening right outside the bright display of the Olympic festivities.  I am sickened.  Girls as young as nine standing alongside the "Highway of Death" road waiting to have their bodies used for $12.  Only miles away from the gold seeking Olympics girls are auctioned off as raffle prizes, or sold by the families.  One child spoke about how the truck driver's would use her and then literally toss her out of the truck onto the ground.  A little girl left to pick up the emotional and physical trauma of what her life has become.  The exploitation of females starts so young in this place, that the girls grow to become women who believe they are worthless, that they are not valued beyond what their body can offer, that they are to be used.  The damage that is being done here is immense, and God hates it.

Both of these show how poverty causes desperation.  So desperate for money to buy food, clothes, or whatever else, a father and mother would sell their own child to be used for their body.  Being fearful of starvation or even being killed the young teens join gangs or become involved in the drug world.

I am not a man.  I am unable to separate my love for sports and the love I have for my daughter.  I am unable to watch the smoke and mirrors of the Olympic games without thinking of the pictures of the girls I have read about.  Such a stark contrast in the two worlds yet they are only separated by a few miles.  Yet the tourism brought in by the Olympics causes an increase in the problem.  And we all sit glued to our televisions watching these sleek athletes compete to be "the best."  Don't get me wrong, I admire the dedication of these athletes...but in the scheme of life and the kingdom of God...how important is it to know who is the fastest or strongest.  I refuse to be enslaved by pop culture at the expense of those enslaved at the hands of the sex trafficking trade.               

This Fight

I am a fighter.  God made me with talents and gifts that are used in a fighting way.  I don't always know what this means for me or my future and to be blunt, I am not even sure what my gifts are yet.  But I know God has a plan.  I also know that sometimes the fight in me can be used for the enemy.  So I know I must learn to fight well for God's purpose.  

Fighting against triggers, and weaknesses, but keeping God at the forefront of those fights.  He is my front line, without Him I am nothing.  My personal battles and wars cannot be won by my own power.  I am not able to break bonds I am responsible to listen to the revelations and allow God to do what He does best... restore me.  It hasn't been pretty, it has been messy.  I have glimpses of victory.  They are breaths of fresh air and sighs of relief, moments to praise Him with all I am.  They are beautiful moments, that God uses to remind me I am His daughter.  The fire in me dwindles to a small flame and then God whispers his breath on me, I am ignited again.  I am His light to burn for Him.  

Our battle is not against each other, just as mine is not against myself.  Stop looking at those around you, viewing others as the enemy... they may not have had internal victories within themselves you have had.  Pray for those who hate you and those who choose to wrestle against you.  Put down your fists (thanks Dale for that picture) and put up God's word.  It is not against flesh and blood but against the principalities of the darkness of this world (Ephesians 6:12).   

 

and because I am loving this song...

Hope (in Him)

I find value in the basics.  Whenever there is a word that God keeps revealing, I start at the basics of that word.  H-O-P-E.  A simple word with high expectations.  The world sees this word and thinks "wishful thinking."  Milkweed fairy wishes, Birthday wishes, wishing wells... all are childish folly.  And yet we grow to boast maturity and still wish  hope in this world.

How is this word defined in the kingdom of God? It is a confident expectation.  It is rooted in faith.  Having faith in the facts of God's word.  It is produced by endurance through suffering.  Something that seems so magical in the worlds eyes is brought out of the muddy messes of our lives.  It is a process.  An enduring virtue.  Through hope, we learn love.  

I have failed.  I have hoped in my circumstances and in people.  It has led to heartache.  At times the pain has paralyzed me; because, after all, hoping in sinners will only lead to disappointment.  People are unable to live up to the hope you have for them.  Being dependent upon others to uphold God's commandments in order to see results in your life, is wrong.  Hoping in a spouse, parent, or friend to "do the right thing," is a plan that is destined to leave you bitter and resentful.  

Hope in God.  He is where we are to place our hope.  Having faith that he is honest with his word, having hope in those facts, that they will be true in your life.  I have been given a great opportunity to learn how to have this hope.  It frees me to look only at Him.  To know that no matter what anyone does or says or whatever my circumstances, no matter how bleak my life may appear...he will take care of me, he will love me, he will forgive me, he will never leave me, he has saved me, and one day I will live with him forever.  

Hope has not yet matured in me but it is a plant that is growing and with God feeding and revealing through his word I see that plant taking root and flourishing in the goodness of his faithfulness.