Faceless
Blank
Don't look at me. Please don't expect anything of me. blend in. survive... just keep surviving. Breathe. Because yes, sometimes I forget to.
I imagine myself in a box. A wooden box, slatted to let in thin lines of light but mostly dark on the inside. It is secure and protected. The world continues to spin, people continue to move around me, but I stay isolated, it is what I want. I cringe at the thought of people interacting with me. I remain safe floating on the surface of verbal exchanges and dance atop the water, afraid of what lies beneath.
Shrinking in the shadows, I keep my head down and change with the environment, I am outwardly obedient to the atmosphere of the social gathering. As the faces laugh and converse with one another I remain at war with myself. Part of me enjoys, lives in the moment, but then there is another part that wants to run far away from everyone. It's a low in the midst of a high. I stuff down everything creating a black hole that eventually will turn inside out and will overtake the relationships I desperately want, although you wouldn't know that I want them because of my behavior.
It's a push-pull of wanting to be close, to be intimately connected, but want to push it away because it feels so so frightening. I distrust, I have seen the destruction, the disappointment... fear overcomes. I am a shell of myself as the fruit inside shrinks and shrivels.
So I check out.
no one to blame but myself, but old habits are hard to break.
No comments:
Post a Comment