Just a Mom

I took a cold walk tonight to get where I am.  I savored every moment, I tried to cling to every sensation as I took each step.  From the cold air piercing my face like a thousand needles to the gravel being gripped by my worn out Asics.  A break from the screaming child, the crying baby, and the elementary student who is far more clingy than I can handle at times.

I love being a mom, I really do, but sometimes it is difficult to feel that way.  My own needs are sacrificed because I dutifully put others ahead of myself, as do most mothers.  Bitterness and resentment quickly follows and I resume this cycle until I force the "me time" I have been craving.  What do I mean by forcing it?  I mean I completely break down and just leave.  It is at this point that life cannot be handled.

Why? Why does it always seem to go this way?  Do all moms experience this or is it just me who does it exactly this way?  What do other moms do so differently that allows them to stay sane longer and need less than I seem to need?  Sometimes I try to fool myself into thinking that I am just meant to be more than a mom and that's why I need more than other moms.  But more than a mom.... what do I even mean by that?  We all are far to aware of motherhood being a thankless job, underappreciated and under valued by our culture...even by fathers.  Have I started to believe this as well, was it something I always believed?  Ever since high school we are taught to reach for more, get educated, have a career, women empowerment...

I dont get it.

Here I am raising children.  Young children.  The future.  Little people with thoughts and emotions who are already collecting memories and experiences.  How can I even entertain the idea that my job is not important.  Research certainly isn't lacking with regards to how the first 5 years of life are crucial in the development of humans.  Yet here I am fighting the urge to say "I am just a mom."

Then I think; is it all in the individual's mindset? (Doesn't it always come back to this?)