Striving for persistence

Without Jesus I am stubborn.

Stubbornness: Refusing to move or to change one's opinion; obstinate; firmly resisting

With Jesus I am persistent.

Persistent: Obstinately refusing to give up or let go.

Stubbornness stems from pride, while persistence seeks wisdom.  Stubbornness makes excuses as to why it cannot be done while persistence focuses on possibilities.  Stubbornness pursues it's own comfort zone even if it means rebelling against God, persistence pursues God. I do still refer to myself as stubborn but it is a stubbornness in faith, a stubborn love, and probably is better defined as persistence.  And it does not come from me but from my Father.  The example he has set for us.  He never gives up on us... and he knows some will never believe yet he remains the same.  He loves though we prove time and time again we do not deserve such a perfect love.  Love those who wrong us, love those who run from us, love those who reject us.  Give what has been given to you.  The only way we can do this is to understand it for ourselves.   

Jesus is my SuperHero

My Jesus has rescued me from an insane amount of my "junk".  Hidden junk and evident junk alike.  I love the knowledge that has been brought to me.  I love that he is becoming a bigger piece of pie in the pie chart of life.  The great thing is, He is the one that made it so.  Other people played roles in this, constantly pointing me back to him in my times of sadness, distress, and even joy.  It has grown to be a relationship with Him, not just a label of christian.  He has the made us pure, he has made us beautiful.  Everything has been working toward pushing me closer to Him.  This is what He wanted for me, this is what He patiently waits for all of us.  A follower of Christ... Jesus needs to be my everything.  I cannot do this without Him.

20 years young

Dear 20 year old self,

The person you are right now is not who you will be.  The person you are is someone running from shame but also someone who has allowed yourself to be covered by shame, truly believing you are one step ahead of the flood of shame but drowning in it at the same time.  Calling it something else.  You do not yet have a brain that is fully developed but you think you have everything under control.  You have been someone who hid behind the religious phrases and go-to cliches that christians are supposed to say to people.  Meanwhile, you have not come to understand who God actually is.  You have walls that are surrounded by moats, barbed wire, and attack dogs in order to keep yourself safe, yet inside is your very own self-torment chamber.  You are in denial of your own pain.  You are confused and broken but you add a fresh layer of glue with any evidence of cracking that may occur.  It is all for naught.  It is all wasted energy.  You don't know it but there is something greater for you.

You will know that accepting Jesus as your savior was not the end point but the beginning.  That following requires you to have not only your eyes fixed on Him, but your ears listening for his footsteps, your hands grabbing onto his clothes...following with every part of yourself at all times to see where he is leading you in your journey.  The cloak of shame given to you early in your life will begin to unravel, leaving a trail of threads that show how far you have come.  Lightening the load by bringing these things into the light.  You are much more than you believe you are.  Jesus did pay it all in order for you to be more than you are.

You won't know it until you are almost in your third decade of life.  You will wonder why it took you so long and you will wish you could go back and "do life" over again knowing what you know.And when I say know, I don't mean a shallow grasping of the concept, I mean a deep heart knowledge that changes. your. life.  But be encouraged, this is all going to be used for God, this is all preparing you for what you will come to know.  The extreme blindness that you have now will make this knowledge more breathtaking than if you were only nearsighted.  When God brings us out of the darkness we didn't know we were in, the light is even more vibrant and radiant.  God's love for us is extreme, and I am excited for you to accept his love for you.

Have hope my younger self, you will love who God has made you to be.

Scratching the Itch

Every so often I get this intense itch.  It is a nagging itch that if scratched would send my life into a world of extreme simplicity.  A radical life.  But like any physical itch, if left alone, if ignored, it subsides and is forgotten.  I am reminded of the time we hiked through the PA Grand Canyon and as we went off trail I touched the stinging nettle plant (otherwise known as 7-minute-itch).  Yes it really does burn, sting, and itch for approximately 7 minutes, scratch it and it will last longer as I found out.  Leave it alone and it will go away on its own, quickly forgotten.

My itch in life keeps coming back.  I feel the nagging feeling and I keep touching it because I want the relief of scratching it!  I crave a life that is far different from what the popular culture values.  Minimalistic in nature, life would be basic, would be simple, and would avoid all frills.  A life of anti-materialism.  Evaluating what exactly is needed and removing the excess.  Do we really need five sets of bedsheets, a closet full of towels, or scarves that cover all the colors.  Do we need more than one cocktail dress, scads of makeup, or decor for each season?  A life that strays from what society expects us to do.  A life that instead is based on intentionality.

I think of wasted time.  According to Dailymail.com, typically women will spend 474 days (1 year and 3 months) of their life applying makeup.  We are not on this earth long enough to justify wasting that much time.  Especially when other research shows that it can take as little as 10,000 hours (417 days) to become proficient at anything.  There are other articles about time spent standing in lines, and time spent in cars, but this particular one makes me ill because it is based on vanity and appearances.  Looking nice is one thing, recreating your face is another.  Okay makeup rant over... launching an anti cosmetic campaign is not my focus.  My focus is trimming the fat from our lives in order to place value on what truly matters

I think of wasted money because we are a consumer driven people trapped in the world of advertisers and marketing plans.  The cars that say "drive me and you will be one of the elite" the bra that says "wear me and you will be your man's dream come true" the jewelry that says "buy this and your lady will know she is loved." They are lies.  We should not allow ourselves to be identified by the things we wear, the vehicles we drive, or the gifts we give.  This is sickening that we live in a world of shallow thought processes which then have allowed companies to use this weak mindedness to their advantage.  Money spent on being sure we have all the latest and greatest technology.  Money spent creating a wardrobe that is the envy of all our friends and keeps us trendy.  Money spent on toys that are only enjoyed for moments before they are tossed to the side.

What I do want.

To live in a home that shields from the harsh weather.  To have my family healthy (spiritually, emotionally, physically).  To have my family together.  To value the time spent in relationships.  To be a good steward of time.  To have items I need and no more than that.  To live a life of generosity because I need less than what I have and to understand what I have is ultimately God's.  To know God better.  To gain His perspective, to have His heart.  To be His hands and feet... And to Love Well.  

Budding Buddies

My own relationships with my siblings has never been what I imagined it would be like.  I see my friends with sisters and envy the closeness they share.  The bond they have is a tightly connected one.  My mother has this same connection with her own sisters.  They are united together and when devastation came in the form of death of their parents they drew strength from one another as they mourned the losses, reminisced, and shared the responsibilities of caring for the ones that passed.  My younger siblings are 12+ years younger than me so a relationship that is closer won't happen until they are older, which is ok, I can be patient.  My older sister and I are only two years apart... but almost completely withdrawn and it continues to worsen as we get older.  I have moments when I believe the relationship can be mended but those are fleeting and majority of the time I have little to no hope of healing occurring.

I turn my attention to my own kids.  Because I am keenly aware of sibling rivalry and jealousy I pray against those things ripping them apart.  At this point, it seems promising... which may be because they are 6 years apart and also boy/girl.

Jackson is an incredibly sweet and sensitive boy, Brynn could not have been given a better big brother.  He cares for her in a way that exemplifies patience beyond what I have ever been able to give him.  At almost 8 years old his mind works to put pieces of people together and view them in a way that sees beyond the surface.  He is smart when it comes to the behavior of others, he understands what is going on and the pain people feel.  He desires to protect Brynn.  He worries about her soul.  He won't defend himself against others of any size and this is especially true with his little sister.  Brynn is a tough cookie, she's got the spirited little sister role down and she does not shy away from roughness.  She loves to be in on the action when Jackson roughhouses and I believe she thinks she is bigger than she is.  But she loves her big brother.  Every night is the same, she must, and I mean MUST get into Jackson's bed with him.  Even if we come home and he is already asleep in his bed, she cries until she snuggles up to him, does a few alligator rolls, and lovingly pinches his ear.  Some nights she mimics him by "reading" a book next to him.  Other nights she commandeers his stuffed animals as he shows her the stars projected on the ceiling.  I love watching them interact and I pray I don't get in the way of the growing relationship, that I can help them grow to love each other in a way that is pleasing to God.  I see them being each other's biggest supporters in life, that the love of Jesus will be seen in them, I see Brynn showing Jackson how to use his voice and I see Jackson helping Brynn to harness hers with kindness.   These two are gifts that keep on giving, small people with bright souls.

Emotionally drained.

I need Jesus (and a brownie).

Romans 12:12 Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.  

Sinners

Identifying ourselves as anything makes us more so like that thing.  It is where our focus is and unintentionally becomes our goal.   Positive affirmation statements work the same way except they are intentional.

Since the age of six, our family had attended church regularly.  I became a christian at a young age and had it engrained in me that I am a sinner and that is why I needed Jesus.  While yes, this is true, we are sinners, we have a need for Jesus because we will never be good enough to enter heaven on our own, but it is not how I should have continued to identify myself.  A sinner, implies you are bound by sin, you are held captive by your sinful nature.  Jesus broke those chains for us, we are free because of him.  We are empowered by Him to resist temptation.  When we choose to accept Jesus we are a new creation in Christ, we take on His identity.  His identity is that of perfect royalty.  That is how God the Father sees us now.  Accepting Christ as our savior is the first step in following Jesus, accepting who we are in Christ pushes us to grow in who He is.  Isn't it just like the great deceiver to use a word that brings us to the knowledge that we need christ and sabotage the growth by using it as a stumbling block in our lives.

When I was in school, there was a required class that was called Professional Development.  I always thought of it as the feel good class because the premise of it was to focus on the positives of who we are and give us tools to make achieving goals possible.  It was where I discovered just how unimpressed I was with my life achievements because they were never good enough to write down on our "things I am most proud of" list.  I did not get much out of that class because I was so wrapped up in who I was not, how short I fell in all aspects of life.  Now, I look back and can align what we learned in that class to fit into my walk with Christ.  In that class we had an ungraded task we were supposed to do.  By the end of the term we were to have a list of positive affirmations that we were to focus on daily.  Positive affirmations are statements like:

"I am a kind person who puts others first"

"I am a financially stable person" 

"I am a marathon runner"

They are stated as truths about yourself and in turn allow you the freedom to believe you are all these things... what you believe is what you will become.  Take the marathon runner statement, you may not be one but continuing to focus on this empowers you to freely become what you already say you are.  It's like a fake it till you make it mentality.  It makes goals attainable.  We have these as christians as well.  Graham Cooke has an amazing clip on youtube that would literally pump. you. up.  It is full of positive affirmations that align with who we are as followers of Jesus.  I challenge anyone to listen to it each morning and not have a new outlook on who they are.  We are not sinners anymore, we are saints, accept it and grow in it.  You will not be able to stray from who you are, the truth will set you free.  

Thetruthaboutyou<--click here

Information Overload (but its good)

My brain hurts.  There is a lot of information in my brain.  Unfortunately, my brain seems to be struggling to make sense of it all.  Information overload.  The sirens are sounding in form of a pounding headache.

Church has been great, our series is called "Loving Well" and it's focus is on the book of Ruth.  The old testament is forgotten by me too often so I love that we are stepping further back into time with many of the series we have done, it gives me an appreciation for the Old that I lack.  But it is a lot of stuff for my brain to take in.  All good stuff, really good actually.  I crave more and could sit for hours listening to the God inspired minds of men, especially on the topic of love.  Our world has contorted the beauty of that word and a fresh take on the actual design is much needed.  It is going to take a few more times of listening to the podcasts, a lot of prayer, and meditation for me to grasp the "what" and then even more to learn the "how."

The man who gave the message delivered it with humility and honesty.  He would say multiple times that he was preaching not to us but to himself as well.  He gave examples of his own flawed love in his marriage.  He encouraged, and directed us to what the scripture says and how we can come to love well.  Love is not self serving, so he encouraged us to pray for awareness in our own hearts.  Private moments of reflection followed.

I wish I could show you with the clarity if was brought to me, but it hasn't quite been made real to me and my own heart.          

From the Father to the Son

In my adult life I have come to the understanding that the first men we know as fathers hold much power in how we view our heavenly Father.  Our ability to know God's love can be greatly impeded by our knowledge of the love (or lack of love) of our dads, or, if you grew up in a somewhat healthy family, it can show you a terrific example of God (the father's) love for you.  The positive examples are out there, I have seen them! But I am one who lacked that growing up.  Deep wounds were caused by my own father, followed by a long line of other men who disappointed me throughout my childhood, teen, and even early adulthood.  Time and time again men would prove they preyed upon the little girl inside me who was just searching for a father, longing to be found captivating.  I was looking in all the wrong places.

It has been the unfamiliar becoming familiar.  The character of our heavenly Father is everything you would ever want from your very own parents.  Good, merciful, kind, loving, just, righteous, gracious, constant and consistent, eternal, infinite, holy, faithful, and he's our perfect father that knows best.  Giving us exactly what we need, and giving it generously, never having a cap or an allowance.

Remembering when I was first introduced to God, there was so much focus on God's judgement and having the fear of God instilled in us, there was little room to believe he is all the other things...mostly love.  Since there was a lack of fatherly love in my own life already this was even easier to ignore when thinking about God.  Because I had not ever tasted that kind of love.  I felt like I had to prove to God that I was worth loving.  That even though he was my creator and He love his creation; I was unable to forget that my own father walked away from me, I wasn't good enough to keep him around, to keep his interest.  And I would do this thing, I still do this thing that puts people who claim to love me through a subconscious test to see how far I can push until they too leave.  Living out my own lies I have believed about myself, about my own worth.  But then, through getting to know God the father, I understand he never leaves, he is always there, I can collapse in his love, I can let him love me without fear that he will ever leave, or that I will ever be "too much" for him, or that I will ever need "too much" from Him.

I have rested in the lap of my father for months, addressing Him in my prayers, relying on Him to show me love that I need, crying on his shoulder and receiving my complete fill of comfort.  Accepting this fatherly love... but something has happened.  I now find myself sitting at the feet of Jesus.  Is this the transition?  Is God pointing me toward the teacher?  Has he led me to Jesus so I can now understand the sacrifice my Savior made for me?  So I will understand how hard it was to be dying on the cross, a perfect son and then have his father turn his face away, the father who loves so deeply?  To understand the weight of what was done I needed to know the weight of what He has to offer... that nothing I do would cause Him to love more or less.

THIS. IS. INCREDIBLE.

Tea with Honey

With the colder temps November brings, I have found my love for tea once again.  And I am a woman, so of course it is more than just tea.  It is a collection of memories; moments I spent doing something I love, a song I listened to for the first time, a season of life that needed a warm drink as my companion.  Mostly, it reminds me of time spent together.

Chilly nights that required an extra layer even though the heat was on.  Nights that were spent watching a movie or maybe a football game or something that showed a life we yearned for.  Tea was offered and met with smiles that said yes.  Boiling water would be poured into mugs with specific tea bags for each.  Honey would be added.  I would sit on my side and you on yours, you with your tea and me with mine.  Sweet moments that I will not easily forget.  Nothing major or monumental ever happened during these occasions, they were simple and uncomplicated.  Maybe that's why I consider them the sweetest of times.

Prayers for my Children

My daughter lays cradled in my arms, she peacefully sleeps as I pray and weep over her.  The wisdom brought through my own life experiences has allowed me to know how to pray for her.  I know because of the little girl inside me who continues to remember the pain of the lies.  I understand the emotional distress, the torment of negative self-talk, the damage that was done of which I had no say, no input to what the future of my family would be.

As a parent, you want more for your children than you had.  For some, it is financial, for others its education... For me it is more based on family and walk with Christ.  I pray that both my son and daughter would know a family of origin that was healthier than what mine was.  I pray they would understand the love Jesus has for them and begin to grasp what that means for their lives earlier than I did.  I pray against the lies that lead them to believe the family they need is not worth fighting for, that they are not worthy of a family that is healthy.  I pray for them to be dependent on Jesus to fill them before allowing others to be part of the filling.  I pray that they would live fearlessly.  That trusting Jesus means living without fear because love casts out fear.

For my son.  My firstborn.  I pray he is not sour toward marriage, that he would come to know and love the beauty of God's design.  I pray he would grow to be a man of integrity, a man who remembers the pain, who is not bitter or filled with resentment due to the brokenness in his own childhood.  I pray he would heal from the wounds I have caused in his younger years.  I pray he can forgive me for my lack of knowledge, my lack of patience, my high expectations, my tendency to dismiss his pain, and for the walls that block him from knowing me.  I pray he would heal from the wounds others have caused, the relationships with adults that abruptly ended without explanation, the lack of love shown to a child in a messy situation.  I pray for him to grow to be a man who learns to lay down his life for the ones he loves, knowing it is more than sacrificing through death, that it means sacrificing in life.  That he would lead well and love well.  I pray that his compassion and empathy for others would grow despite attempts by others (including me) to squash it.  I pray that he would know that it is good for men to be vulnerable, that it comes from strength not weakness.  I pray for masculinity that is God honoring and not of this world.  I pray God would bring people into his life who can bring him love, knowledge, and wisdom that I cannot give.  I praise God that Jackson has accepted Jesus as his savior.

For my daughter, my baby girl.  I first pray for her to choose to follow Jesus.  I pray she grows to be a powerful soul.  Beauty that radiates from the inside out.  I pray for her wounds to heal sooner than mine have.  I pray she never buys into the lies whispered in her ear by the enemy.  I pray she finds herself captivating according to the eyes of her heavenly Father, that she will know He delights in her.  I pray she would not blame herself for things that were out of her control, that the choices made by others would not define her.  I pray for her to be protected, that her heart especially would be held gently by God's hands.  I pray she would not believe that love is ever defined by fighting against someone in order to gain control, but that it is fighting for someone, that it means standing next to someone and against hatred.  I pray she would not be hardened in her youth.  But I also pray she would be a boundary setter, a boundary keeper, that she would stand in God's truths for her life.  I pray she values herself and lives in the knowledge of Christ, that low self-esteem would not enslave her.  I pray for her to stand up for others who are hurting.  I praise God for the fighter she already is, that she is stubborn and that this can be used for the kingdom of God.

I pray that God continues to teach me, that I will only grow to a higher place of healing.  That I would grow to learn and accept more of God's love and be able to show that love to my children.  I pray this more than ever because of the young lives that God has entrusted to me.  I pray I would know they are His before mine, that He is bigger than me, that He can do more for them than I ever could.  Fill our lives with your presence Lord!      

United We Stand

I did not vote.  Please hold your rock... I did drive to the polling place with my two kids, the whole way praying that God would give me sudden wisdom to know which buttons to push because I was still undecided.  Apparently, I failed to respond to a piece of mail they sent a while ago and I was listed as "inactive."  Ok God, not really the answer I was expecting but I'll take it.  The only thing I was capable of doing at this point was praying.

While I certainly understand the people who pray for the win of a specific candidate, I felt the tug on my heart to pray for the souls of each candidate, especially the one who will be named the next leader of our country.  The prayer was also to confess the sins of our country claiming them as my own and that God would heal our land (2 Chronicles 7:14).

I awoke this morning and looked at Facebook, thankful that I could see who won just by friend's posts rather than the news media.  Many were happily posting sarcastic memes, statuses that felt the sting of defeat, or just a sigh of relief that it was finally over, but all of them were referencing our political history in the making.  (I can remember a time when who you were voting for was considered private information, not the case now).

My yearning for all is to continue to pray.  It is not 2017 yet, and God can work miracles.  The love of Jesus can change people.  Trump is not just a candidate, business man, or branding term; He is a creation of our Father's, Jesus loves him as well, his name is Donald, he is a man with his own story that goes beyond his business ventures.  His heart matters.  People change only through accepting, knowing, and growing in the love of Christ.  They love well by being loved well, love our leader well by praying for his heart.  Four years from now he may be a completely different man.  Continue to pray, keep God in government even if our government rejects Him.

The recovering codependent in me (Part I)

Counseling has introduced me to the word codependent.  I heard it for the first time about a year and a half ago and brushed it off due to denial, ignorance, an immaturity, and even the codependency itself.  In early June is really when I began the journey to understand, accept, and start the recovery process.  It has not been easy, it has been extremely painful and has left me without any vices to latch onto in an attempt to ease (or control) this pain.  But through this, I have found a father in my Father, I have found a friend in Jesus and I have found the freedom to choose love as opposed to being enslaved to it.

The book "Love is a Choice" has been an incredible resource for me, although the internet offers much information, I still prefer a good book to become more educated on any given topic.  I soaked up the first half of the book like a sponge, mostly due to the fact that it went through just about every possible scenario that would be considered a recipe for the making of a codependent person.  The second half has taken months to get through, because it has involved explaining the work to be done.

Anyone can be considered codependent, and actually most of us are to a degree.  The question is; To what degree am I codependent?  Love is a Choice defines it this way:

"In its broadest sense, codependency can be defined as an addiction to people, behaviors, or things.  Codependency is the fallacy of trying to control interior feelings by controlling people, things, and events on the outside.  To the codependent, control or the lack of it is central to every aspect of life.  The codependent may be addicted to another person. In this interpersonal codependency, the codependent has become so elaborately enmeshed in the other person that the sense of self-- personal identity-- is severely restricted, crowded out by that other person's identity and problems."

So from one recovering codependent to the world:

How I knew codependency was my issue:

• I was unable to separate other's emotions from my own
• There was an undeniable lack of boundaries (physical, emotional, spiritual)
• I was dependent on another person to complete me
• My family of origin had emotional trauma 
• A lack of control in life; and yet trying to hang on to control
• Feeling enslaved to my relationships
• Acting out of fear

This is a compilation of the loudest traits in my life that point to codependency.  I think it necessary to also say that I rated myself on the severe side.  There has been a lot of work that has been done the last few months by me, my counselor, family and friends and most importantly God, that has brought me to a place that understands what healthy is and strives for it.  There is still a long road ahead of  me, much like alcoholics, severe codependents are never completely rid of the issue and maintenance is key to continue with recovery.  

  

Fall to Winter

This morning as I drove toward the copper toned hills of Reading on my way to church, I am reminded that the autumn beauty is coming to an end.  That this season, while not yet over, is transitioning to represent a time of old dying away.  The bright golden hues have come and gone, the strong vibrant reds have faded and we are left with shades of brown, it is a sign that life has gone from the leaves and they are of no use to the tree anymore.  Such beauty in a time of death.  I can't help but think that God created us and nature with metaphors in mind.

I think of each one of us as the trees, our branches are arms reaching up toward the sun.  Growing in His love during the fair weather days, almost in preparation for the next season.  Ironically it's called "Fall," a time of shedding leaves.  A fiery display that is extinguished by passing time and chilly breezes.  The glorious colors offer diversity but all work together to form a collage of warmth on the tree filled hills.  The rains come, as do the gusts of wind, the trials and tribulations.  Trees who lack the strength of deep roots succumb to the power of Zephyrus.  They themselves fall away, at times taking other weakly rooted trees with them.  The leaves are of no use after they are void of chlorophyll, the leaf stem changes as it prepares to leave the tree, it eventually breaks off completely and leaves a small scar on the branch.  Toward the end of the season all the trees reveal the silhouettes of what and who they actually are, a season of vulnerability.  

I feel like this is us.  Representative of yet another point in time, another passing season.  One in which things that were once useful have met the time to pass on, revealing the growth that has happened underneath since the last time things had to pass on.  A "baring all" time.  The time that we allow our scars to be seen, a time that reveals the healing thats about to happen right before our eyes.  Honesty. Being seen.  Being vulnerable.  But in this there is hope.  Because while the old has passed on, the new is already being brought to life.  Death is just a poorly defined facade, new buds have already begun to form but will not be brought to the surface until after they are touched by the cold temperatures and eventually begin to feel the suns warmth amidst longer days.  It's a necessary part of the process in order to allow for new growth.       

The message touched on this today.  So fitting for where I am.  Allowing other's to see the flaws, to live without fear, vulnerability to allow others to see the scars, the twisted branches, the vines that suffocate, or the diseased portions of myself.  But the beauty of redemption is that Jesus covers us, He covers us all with the perfect blanket of white... welcome winter.       

Time, its a real page turner

Wise words from Graham Cooke "God does not measure time, he measures growth." I review my journals and think of these words.  Because I am a woman of action, because right now God has given me a time of rest from the heavy, and because I am fighting against this time of rest in my spiritual life, my counselor encouraged me to take a look back at my journals in order to be reminded how much work has been done.  There is only a Vol 1 and a Vol 2.  They are both made of a soft flexible leather and have unlined paper (unlined for the non-conformist in me).  Each entry is clearly dated and marks the timeline of life for the past 2 years.  

I'm amazed at what God has done in this amount of time.  I read a few entries and remember emotions felt at those specific times, much pain, but then there is relief to know how far God has brought me from those places.  He covers the sins against me, my sins against others, the unhealthy ways I thought, the lack of knowledge I had.  God has been so patient with me.  I stayed in the same place for an (overly) extended amount of time, yet He was right there with me waiting for me to look up at Him and take a step toward Him.  He pulled me from the place of self-pity, tore the name tag off me that read "victim," he broke (and continues to break) the chains of codependency, he has gifted a photo of myself that he took of me with his "God camera lens."  This photo can be represented by verses like: Revelations 21:7, Ephesians 1:4, I Peter 1:18-19, Romans 8:37.  It is how God sees me.  Learning to see ourselves the way God sees us allows us to continue to grow to experience the fullness of his love and the fullness of who we are because of Jesus.  And isn't this the journey we are all on? 

I am thankful God placed people in my life who encouraged writing as a way to process my thoughts and emotions.  Because of them I am able to have tangible evidence for myself that God is working on me, a way to measure, that I am His work in progress, He is the potter and I am His to shape and mold.  Keep it up God, I like where you are taking me.   

The Nemesis of Mascara is Lament

This is the third time within the last 5 months I screamed out to God alone in my car.  I screamed until there was nothing left to push out of my diaphragm, until my throat was raw and my voice was altered, until tears poured and mascara ran as I drove past cars who had no idea the pain that was filling my car in the form of sound waves.  I was alone, and I felt alone... I cried to Jesus to just come back now to get me so this would all go away, so I wouldn't have to feel anymore.  I begged and pleaded with him to just take me out of this place that leaves me grieving the loss of a life I desperately wanted.  The dangerous world between idealistic and realistic, the world I thought I was out of, the world I believed I had grown past.  Processes, everything is a process, another level deeper that reaches a new level of agony.  I was in anguish.  Nothing was helping, except to scream, it was exhausting me physically and allowing me break down in giant sobbing fits.  Questions for my Father flew out of my mouth, why have you left me in this place, how much longer will you leave me here, when will this be less painful, why won't you do something!? 

and then Im transported into Barbara Streisand's body in Yentl... "papa can you hear me?"  I ask him for something, anything, to guide me as to what's next.  I hear nothing.  I feel far away from Him.  Did I anger Him? Was I too emotional in my prayer?  No.  No matter what I do or don't do, the love remains, it is unconditional.  Did he leave me? No.  He will never leave me.  Why then, has this loneliness overwhelmed me?

This is the longest time I have ever had to deal with a life altering change.  It is laying the groundwork for the rest of my life, and the lives of my children.  It isn't fun.  It isn't something I would wish on anyone.  And it isn't by any means easy.  It is reaching up to God minute by minute in humility and saying I don't know, please show me.  It is 50,000 shades of gray that are uncharted, no clear right way.  Tragedy's gray scale.  It is a blazing of a new trail, one that is not exactly like anyone else's trail.  It could be a trail to recovery and restoration for all or it could be restoration for me alone.  My wish is for all but that is not my choice to make for others.  I am left in a time of waiting.  I feel beyond lost and confused.  I am afraid.  I desperately want to please my Father, I want to curl up in his cupped hands as he blesses me for being obedient, but I don't know what being obedient means right now.  I mourn because I feel far from His heart.  

I have been told to allow for days like this.  To give myself permission to feel the seriousness of what is happening.  Days like this though, I can barely stand, even when thinking of the promises God give us.  They don't feel like they are within reach at all.  What's next God, what now? How will you get me out of this place?  This pit?        

Travel Itinerary

I had a plan this weekend.  I knew what I wanted to get out of it and I was sure to tell God what my own plans were.  

We are so foolish sometimes to think that our plans are the ones worth following.  God gave us unseasonably warm weather, sunshine with clouds that offered reprieve, a landscape that proved challenging and magnificent, and company that proved inspiring and uplifting just by mere presence alone.  There was a loose list of things to do, hikes to take, scenes to see.  There was also a personal list of things I wanted to accomplish in my quiet time with God.  I believed I was going to focus on learning more about my identity in Christ, who I am according to God and what his purpose for my life could be.  

Instead, it was as if God just kept reminding me that he gives us rest and that sometimes it is as simple as that.  The rest was physical and it was emotional.  My mind was not bogged down at night with dreams or weighty thoughts, in fact it was quite the opposite.  I had such a clean mind I went to bed around nine and slept a full (as much as you can with a baby) ten hours, only waking a few times to comfort her cries.  My phone was on in case of an emergency but the messages were ignored.  I was able to fully enjoy the quiet the trail offers without distraction of social media, or Netflix, or life itself.  I was enjoying God's artistry in nature but also his artistry when he formed me.  He does not create things void of beauty.  I came home with the affirmation that God made me a woman who will continue to strive to know the fullness of who God created me to be and it was at rest that I found this pearl.  

Having a walker who would rather walk.  But she soon realized my way was a better way.  Much like God's ways are better than ours.  

Trusting the most most bumpy of rides. 

Once again choosing the most difficult trail to absorb the best view

Avoiding Mr. Sandman

It's midnight, I am tired, I would like to fall asleep.  I am stressing about what dream I may have tonight, to the point that I couldn't sleep if I tried.  I avoided sleep by filling my night with meal prep, party prep, and baby duty... worked well until meal prep was finished, party prep was completed and baby fell asleep.  So now it is just me and my thoughts.

I worry about the dream I may or may not have.  The dream that may be a gift of hope from God, a way to tell me to just keep going, to stay the narrow path.  Or it could be my sub conscience being cruel in the dark hours.  Either way, I wake up depressed, in emotional torment, and wishing the day was over before it has begun.  My heart hurts, real raw pain weighs my body down as I wake to my "right now" reality.  A headache is common during the day after waking from this dream.  I usually meet God in the car at some point during the day and I ask him questions like "why did you let me have that dream?" "Are you aware of how much pain I am in because of that dream?" "Im not a fan of this whole torture whitney by toying with her emotions game!"  But I then have to ask; ok but why God do you continually give me this dream, or allow me to have this repetitious dream with the seemingly same theme of hope?  What is the purpose of this particular dream?  The dream is never in the same place, and it rarely consistent with the "extras" in it but it is always the same conversation between two people.  I try to push it so far from my memory but the emotions from the dream linger on throughout the day, they are beyond difficult to shake.

And it is strange because I know that if this particular dream stops, I will mourn the loss of it.  I will ask for God to give it to me just once more.

One thing is for sure... I need a Joseph in my life.  

The Team

I hesitate to even write this blog post because I realize even the title itself sounds pompous and self-serving.  I also am hesitant to post this because there are life circumstances playing out right now that must be handled with gentle hands.   At the same time the team that surrounds me is ultimately part of the body and are not only standing with me, they are standing for marriage, for the growth and health of others involved, for the betterment of the body, and most importantly they stand looking past me and at the Father.

Please do not assume you know what I am going to say about them.  Please do not assume that I believe there is an opposing team.  If you think I am going to talk about how they have chosen the "right" side; you are wrong, (I chose them, they didn't choose me). If you think I am going to talk about the amount of people that believe me; you are wrong (My identity does not rest in the opinions of others).  If you think I am going to talk about the visiting team and how they don't stand a chance; you are wrong (the only enemy we have is Satan).  And if you think I am going to try to convince you to join my team you are also wrong (We are team Jesus, we should all be on the same team).  This is not about sides, this is about how they have worked and partnered with me as I learn to walk with Jesus.  This is the benefit of doing life together.   

This team is Jesus's entourage and that is how they have loved me so well.  

What has loving me looked like? 

It has been a lot of things.  Pretty much all the love languages.  Gifts, words of affirmation, physical touch, quality time, and acts of service.  They have poured into me with all these.  They have prayed for me, they have prayed with me, they have listened to me as I process out loud, they have listened to me excitedly tell them all I have learned, they have cried with me.   These are all good things but it doesn't end there.  

The tougher side of love.  

They keep me accountable to keep the healthy boundaries.  I have given actual written lists to certain teammates in order for them to keep me on track.  I tell them when I slip up and it's met with non condemning words.  They already know I know I was wrong.  They have a job to listen, and they understand that.  Then I am met with encouragement to just keep moving forward, press into God once again.  

I tell them when I am dealing with temptation.  When the feelings of loneliness grow to overpower my friendship with Jesus.  They listen.  They help me process.  Then they pray with me.  Confessing our wrong thoughts to another trusted person is so liberating and takes power away from the enemy.  I used to live in shame of my sinful thoughts, I would hide them, and deny I had them in order to appear "good".  But that only keeps things in the dark, and is detrimental to our growth as individuals and as a body.    

They give me truth.  When I ask for it or when I am blind or unaware of my self.  I know I can ask them questions about the reality, I trust they will tell me what they see from a biblical perspective.  I trust they won't tell me what I hope to hear but they will tell me what I need to hear.  That is love. 

They offer counsel.  It's an honest discussion, processing information, discussing options, prayerful consideration, and the giving of truth.  

I can compare this team to a pack of runners.  Each takes turns leading and they push the team to go faster, to be stronger as a unit.  They have sharpened me, they have challenged me, they have pushed me toward God. I have been blessed with friendships of some sharp minded individuals and I have seen them grow throughout this experience.  

How is your team doing? Questions to ask yourself about the team that surrounds you:  Are they ok with you staying where you are, or do they desire to see you grow, to improve?  Do they tell you what you want to hear in order to make you feel good, or do they give you truth even if it hurts?  Are you afraid to be vulnerable and share your dark thoughts, or are you free to confess the temptations in your life without fear?  Will you be condemned and shamed or will you be encouraged and freed, will they point you back to Christ?  Do they value loyalty to people or loyalty to God and his commandments?        

Let it also be known that these people did not seek me out.  I sought them out.  I reached out for help... this took humility to know I needed help.  I knew the challenges were beyond me, I lacked the knowledge to figure it out on my own.  Anyone can have all that I have.  But like the gift of Jesus, you must invite others in to help you.  Loving like jesus means they do not force themselves on you, he sure doesn't!

Broken

We live in a fallen world.  A world full of broken people whose lives are being shattered by the choices being made.  I look all around me and I see sadness, heartache, misery, pain, hurt, denial.  The past few days all this has been even more evident and I feel heavy and a bit hopeless.  Even in the midst of my own seemingly impossible situation, hopelessness is not something I have felt for months.

I picked Jackson up from Good News club and was met with familiar faces that went to my high school.  They too, have children around my son's age who attend the same school he does and are a part of this uplifting club.  The faces I saw of my former classmates seemed tired, lacking energy, and seemed beaten down by life itself.  After a short conversation it was clear they too had lives that had not been without intense emotional trauma which resulted in families being ripped apart.  It was also clear that there didn't seem to be an end in sight.  Brokeness that just keeps on yielding more brokeness.    I ran into another friend on this same day and she cried as she told me about her son who has been hurt by the religious culture.  I met another friend for lunch today and she too had her own sad news to tell in multiple parts of her life, addiction, divorce, estranged parents.  My heart has never been more empathetic for these family situations and I weep on the inside, I silently cry out to God as I listen to these stories of sadness.  Such pain that trickles down to each person involved with the ones that are the epicenters of pain.

But this is our fallen world.  This is us having a free will.  Choices to make.  Each of us is responsible for our own actions, our own emotions, and our own responses to how others treat us, our own choices.  We have many choices to make on a daily bases.  With each choice we make which allows the enemy to win, more pieces break off of us as well as those around us.  If we continue along this path without God we will only continue to drag others into our brokenness from past pains, it is a vicious cycle that just keeps on spiraling out of control.  Fingers pointed will only allow us to stay where we are, and that has never been the goal.  God gave you the tools, he gave you his truths, yes we are broken but that allows us to see the beauty of God to restore us.  

"In a bed of roses, she is a wildflower"

Her Birthday was a month ago, but I just now was able to load photos.  I chose the theme of "Wild One." Very fitting for my little wildflower.  

Young Friendships budding

Approaching life with boldness 

Her life has already shown this will be her destiny.  Believe the impossible baby girl.  

May you be drawn to the light

That you will know you are loved

That you will learn from your older brother

And that you will understand how you gave me strength to stand.  

Content with the least of things

May you live out the whispers of love others pray into your life.  

This book titled "Adventure Awaits," will follow you with each passing year.  I have asked those who  were at your party to write a note, encouraging words, what they see for Brynn, and what they see in her, a prayer for her.  Each year additions will be made on her birthday but also as major events happen in her life.  The following is what I have written:

My precious baby girl, 

You came into this world in a vibrant entrance, proving you were confident in your readiness.  You are a force, full of a fierce fire and a mouth full of teeth.  You contemplate feats of daring and choose in your own time when is the right time to reign victorious over them.  You are a beauty, and a warrior, unafraid to be up close and personal with insects others may fear.  You push limits, and wait to see what the response will be from onlookers.  You know you have not reached your limit even though others doubt your capabilities.  Your favorite times are with those who feed your adventurous appetite, tossed high in the air, wrestled to the ground, tossed into pillows, enjoying the outdoors... allowing you to explore without worry.  You climb everything, getting to the top seems to give you a sense of accomplishment and with a face full of content smiles, you sit proud at the top swinging your legs back and forth.  You have a physical strength, a strong grip, and unwillingness to give up or let go.    

You have an appreciation for femininity.  You are drawn to the pretty things whether man-made or God's handiwork.  You observe and inspect, then try to dissect. You love to be found captivating.  You attempt to "put on" clothes and relish in the positive oohs and ahhs.  A sweet smile appears as you understand you have found favor.  You are sensitive, a turned back or being left in a room alone and you melt in a puddle of tears.  You have a heart for sadness, and attempt to comfort with cuddles and pats. You are high in sensory need, you must be touching or caressing skin as you sleep, you love to touch my face and ears as you doze off.  Sometimes you grab my hand and put it completely over your face.  

God blessed you with your genetic make up, a musical gift that is so prominent in your family.  You are already showing signs you have rhythm and a love for a glorious sound.  I cannot wait to hear you  grow in this.   

Your brother is your chew toy, your stress ball, but also your joy, your personal comedian, and your friend.  I know you will have much to offer him and he will have much to offer you as you grow into adulthood.  You are opposites but would be balanced in a friendship.    

You have a face that is beyond expressive, your "oh" face has been so recognizable and everyone knows this face now.  You have so many faces that entertain and ignite joy in the hearts of those around you.  You are funny, and find yourself funny and laugh at yourself but many times are unamused by others.  

You know what you want and who you want.  If you do not want to be held by someone, it is clear, and forcing themselves will cause you to scream, push away, and even bite.  

I have come to know you so well in this last year.  I have loved being your mommy, and I have loved staying home with you, watching you grow.  I pray many things over your life.  I pray you will grow to love Jesus, that you will choose to move toward the light and grow to be brighter than I have been. I pray that you will know who you are in Christ, that you will understand and accept the love of your heavenly Father.  I pray that you will have a grasp on your value as a woman, that you will treasure the gifts God has given you.  I pray your heart will remain soft despite pains that life brings.  I pray you will learn to channel your fire for God's purpose.  I pray against any blame or shame, lies of the enemy.  I pray against trauma.  I pray against generational sins that I have failed to see, and that we as your parents have failed you and have become another link in the chain.  I pray God would break those chains for you.  I pray protection over your innocence, that you would not know things too soon.  I pray for you to grow in discernment but love anyway.  I pray for you be loved well and to love well.  I pray you would believe anything is possible and that you would know nothing is too big for God.  That God would show you this in your life, time and time again.  Above all I pray you will choose to follow Jesus the day you understand.  

Stumble

For the past two weeks or so I allowed myself to be completely and utterly distracted.  My journal pages remained untouched, my bible stayed tucked into my bag, my micron pens suffered from atrophy as did my spiritual muscles.  I gave God the silent treatment even though I craved him.  It was like I fasted from vegetables and feasted on sweets.  I intentionally deprived myself of Jesus even though my body, mind, and soul longed for time with Him.  I felt his tugs and gentle nudges and waved my hand at him as if to say "Not now Papa, I am busy trying to do your work."  Hypocrisy, that I so often despise is what I was showing.  Where were my boundaries? Where was my voice to say I am sorry but I need God right now, I will talk to you later.  I was running and my feet were going too far ahead of my brain.  BOOM I fall.  This was time, precious time, that was time spent in a lull, a non-growth period.  I spend more precious time beating myself up.

A form of growing pains.  God's grace covers it, He kneels down, he is down on eye level with you as you feel the pain, He looks into your eyes and you look into his.  His eyes say "Yes you stumbled, but I still love you."  You feel the fullness of his grace and love and you are humbled at his kindness, you hang your head in humility as he embraces you again and says "I have given you all you need to get back up, let me help you, let's keep going...together." And this... this is the beauty, this causes me to love Him more.  He never leaves us when we prove our imperfection, he proves to me time and time again that nothing I do, no amount of imperfection will ever cause him to leave me.    

this is me growing in grace.

Safe Place

A place that is void of emotional danger or risk, no chance of harm, in fact it is a place that almost reverses harm done elsewhere.  I love French Creek, I always have.  I was introduced to it at a young age and it is one of the few positive connections I have to my biological father.  Often Sunday visitations would be spent here, he may be responsible for my love of the outdoors.  Skipped classes would be spent here in my high school years, naps would be had on the picnic tables, competitive games of disc golf would be played, cross country runs, relaxing kayak dates, and much time in solitude.  If parks could hug, this park welcomes me with a warm embrace each time.  It has so much beauty to offer, trails with character, roots of trees that run like veins throughout the ground are the very bloodlines.  I breathe it in and want more.  

 

After a tough day I know myself well enough to know I need to be here.  My daughter and I spent hours there, taking our time and taking it all in.  Sharing this spot with her is a gift I hope she will cherish, I hope this will grow to be her safe place as well.  We hiked, explored leaves of color, ate a packed lunch while sitting directly on the dusty trail.  She fell asleep on me and I would have stayed in this place forever.  Time has no place in a place like this.  The emotional world in my heart was quieted, given a peace, I heard God whisper Here Whitney, this is my reprieve for you, enjoy this beauty, I created it with you in mind. 

I breathe slowly and deeply.   

Discounted Groceries with Priceless Conversation

I went to BB's yesterday.  BB's is a treasure chest full of possibilities.  From organic produce to diapers, to raw sugar, and vitamins you can find a plethora of items that could be 50% off the normal retail cost.  It is simple, no frills, and no time or energy wasted on creating an aesthetically pleasing shopping experience that you would get at Whole Food's or Trader Joe's.

As I entered I had expectations of what I may or may not find on the mental list in my head, as I walked down to the first aisle I saw a familiar face.  A face I have only come to know only a little while ago, but a face that is so welcoming and kind, and I could not just keep walking.  We stopped and talked for a half hour.  In the conversation we talked life in the spiritual realm, we were women that did not have time for small talk of weather or how good our kids are doing in school, we jumped into the depths of our lives.  God's presence was in BB's.  Each of us stood on either side of the aisle while others passed and shopped around us, they were able to tune into the conversation if they would have chosen to do so.  We talked the seasons each of us are in with our heavenly Father and where we had been in season's past.  We spoke of struggles to know the answers to the question "What's next God?" and "What is your purpose in this?"  I found commonality with the things she was sharing and I walked away praying for her as I prayed for the answers to both our questions.  She gave advice she didn't know she was giving by sharing pieces of her story.  I felt refreshed knowing other's have walked struggles of their own, are still walking them but continue to look to God.

Brotherly Love

I had always wanted a brother growing up.  My older sister and I never really did well to get along with one another and I always thought if I had had a brother things would have been different, I would have been protected.  This may or may not have been the case but eventually I did get a little brother.

I was 17 when he was born, and didn't get a chance to appreciate him as much.  Now that I am (temporarily) back home, there has been a rare second chance to know both him and my younger sister.  My sister just turned 16 and is right in the middle of her teen years when friends, sports, and school work keep her pretty busy.  She and I will grow to know one another better in her adult years I am sure.  Jesse, my brother, on the other hand, is home much of the time and I have learned to appreciate who he is growing to be.  He has impressed me multiple times and I walk away from him awestruck at his heart.  It is always in a very Jesse way that he shows love.

Tonight, as he watched me drag myself to the dinner table, he noticed puffy eyes that were glazed over.  I had a rough afternoon and evening after a difficult letter and it was evident from my swollen eyes, and red cheeks I was not well.  Jesse's eyes couldn't pull away from my face until he asked if I was sick, "No" I said, do you have a sore throat?, "No" I said again.  At this point, my mom chimed in "Her heart is sick." After a moment or two Jesse spoke again, "Do you want soup?" This was him offering to make it for me.  A little man who desired to fix something... to make it better.    

Kindness.  That's what this was.

Though he does not know the depths of the pain I am enduring he is content not knowing and it does not affect his kindness toward me.  There is not an equation that tells how much or how little pain, or if it even merits an act of kindness, he just knows something is wrong and he wants to help.  May he always have this softness toward those in pain.  

Most Difficult

Yes this is me.  "Most Difficult." I love this photo and what it represents.  I was hiking at Susquehannock State Park with a good friend.  We chose to complete the trail that was rated the most difficult because nothing is worth doing unless it is a challenge.  This was also a week before I met my husband.  This picture is prophetic, maybe I should have shown him this before he asked to take me out haha!

But usually the most difficult of trails offers the most beauty.  The places hardest to reach have the best outlooks and offer more than just a good workout.  They give you a sense of accomplishment, a limitless feeling that motivates you to climb higher, push further, to press on in spite of the oppositions we may face, because experience says there is much to be gained.  This is me.  I know God created me with much to offer but I also know there is much to overcome.  He keeps pushing me farther into his arms with gentle nudges, convictions, and a deeper realization of his love for me.  Together he helps me to press in, and press on... to know Him intimately so the difficult things in me can be used for Him.  It is beautiful, I am so thankful that he allows me to witness this firsthand, that he chose me for these things.  Painful yes, but so is hiking up Mount Washington, the view is worth every second of cramping quads and burning lungs.  Pain drives me further into everything He is.  Praise God he is everything we need, every moment we need it.  And praise God for his creation, just look at his handy-work!

Mount Washington (not quite the summit)

Standing above the clouds on solid ground, just incredible

Thank You Note

The generosity of others astounds me.  At this point in my life I have been the neediest I have ever been yet I have never felt so fulfilled.  I know it is ultimately through God that this is the case but he has used so many of you in my life.  I feel I need to dedicate at least one Blog post to those who have felt the tug to love me in so many ways.

There are those who have offered me jobs.  Not just any job, but jobs that allow me to bring my children with me so I am able to continue to be a stay-at-home mother and still have an income.  These jobs have given me a schedule, a way to fill time, financial support, and healthy environments.  Thank you to those who have had a hand in passing my name along, creating a job, or simply thinking of me to fill a need.  I am grateful for the hodgepodge jobs I have right now in my time of transition.

There are those who have been ears to listen, shoulders to cry on, mouths to speak truth, and hands to help pull me up off the ground.  You have been generous with your time, and your energy as you listen to the ups and downs of my emotional distresses.  You have been ready and willing to offer hugs of comfort and sympathetic cries.  You have seen me ugly cry and yet you did not leave me.  You have echoed God's voice of truth and His promises.  You have been patient with me as you witness growth and as you witness me falling over my pride.  You have all been so firmly planted, sharing the gifts God has given you to show me love in every possible way.
   
There are those who have offered up their homes as places I can get away from my thoughts, to get away from the familiar.  The hospitality they have shown me did not go unnoticed.  I have been so warmly embraced by many different families who are unrelated to me but who are related in spirit.  They have cared deeply, and I know I am welcome in these places.

There are those who know me in passing, but know it's a difficult time, and they have given spontaneous gifts of encouragement.  Gift cards to target, to a local market, gift baskets, hand-me-downs to myself and my kids, books, diapers/wipes, coffee, meals (both homemade and bought), cards, quotes, a text with a scripture reference, a text that reminds me they are praying... the list goes on!  These are reminders of God's presence in my life, that there are people who are blessing me with thoughtful gifts, and they are being led to do so by our God.

I am the worst for thank you notes... I never have them handy and I find myself struggling to find the words to use.  Please, all of you, accept this as my thank you note.  I love everyone of you, I am grateful for all that you have done for me.  Most of you can be thanked for multiple things mentioned.   I am truly blessed beyond what I ever thought was possible.  What you have done will not be forgotten and I pray that God blesses you ten fold for your generous spirits.



  

A Lesson in Hand-Me-Downs

Living as a female in our throw away society I am so thankful that I hang with the non-conformists.  So much is disposable to world, or not worth the time or energy we would need to invest to fix it.  So much gets wasted as opposed to being reused, recycled, or up-cycled.  

Today, thanks to the non-conformists, I had the pleasure of going through hand-me-downs (for myself, not my kids).  It was awesome, and FUN! I loved that they thought of me, that when I went to their house they said hey here are bags of clothes we went through and picked what we liked, "take what you want."  My friends who understand those in need, who understand the uselessness of unnecessarily investing in clothing when so much is available through the generosity of someone's old wardrobe.  They understand the identity of myself and of themselves does not lie in the freshest duds or the name on the tag.  They understand our great provider provides by using his children as his hands and feet.  Passing clothes around friends fulfills needs. One man's trash truly is another man's much appreciated treasure.

Marriages and friendships are thrown away every day.  Look at the divorce rate in our culture, at the amount of families that are estranged from one another.  I am guilty of this, I have a sister I don't talk to and a father who I disassociated myself and I have had friendships slip through my fingers because loving them was too difficult, it required too much of myself.  We are messy.  We are all broken.  We all require the love of God to be whole.  We, as followers of Christ, are to love like Jesus.  Jesus recruited fishermen and tax collectors, he loved those who were "bottom of the barrel" people.  He used them.  Same goes for marriages that are the messiest, for families that haven't got a prayer.  For the one's who others see as "not worth it" or  "too much work" God sees as a precious story for his purpose.  Jesus treasured those who the world trashed.      

Love Defined

I Corinthians 13:4-12 is overly used at weddings to the point that we have become desensitized to the intention of God. This passage describes the type of love our Father has for us and in turn we are to strive to know this love fully and attempt to love others with this same love.

4 Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant 5 or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; 6 it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. 7 Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

8 Love never ends. As for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away. 9 For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10 but when the perfect comes, the partial will pass away. 11 When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I gave up childish ways. 12 For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known.

Patient and Kind

I feel that these words are coupled together for a purpose.  In my own brain, it seems to make sense that in our patience we would continue to be kind, not pushing for a decision or pushing someone to move when they were not ready.  For example, I know a couple who are married but she did not say yes initially when asked to marry.  The man was kind in his waiting, he allowed her to have her time until she was ready, of course he was saddened because of rejection but he did not identify himself with that word.  It was more about his potential Bride, she needed, and he provided.  They are happily married now.  

Does not Envy or Boast, Arrogant or Rude

I never like the negative "don't do" commands, mostly because it goes against my idea that we should just focus on what we should do, rather than the should nots.  Being content with what we have, where we are, not jealous of others.  Love is not prideful either.  I think that God clarified that fully with all these words because they all seem to be rooted in pride. Facebook is a terrible place to be jealous and prideful. Brag posts about spouses are fine, I am not saying we shouldn't build our spouses up with words, especially if that is a love language they speak.  But it is important to check out heart's motives here.  Is it to show others or is it the purpose of loving well?  Am I reading them with eyes turning green with envy or happy for my friends?

Does not Insist on its Own Way

So this talks about the dying to self issue I am currently struggling with in my own life.  "My way or the highway" doesn't fly with love.  Another version says "it is not self-seeking".  There is no room for selfishness.  It is a tall order for all of us. Husbands specifically are given the command in Ephesians to love wives with a self sacrificing love, being willing to literally and figuratively lay down your life for her.

Is not Irritable or Resentful

Love is not easily offended and quick to forgive.  This covers so much of why we should not live in the throw away society as far as relationships are concerned.

It does not Rejoice at Wrongdoing, But rejoices with Truth

Focusing on truth.  That means viewing others through the eyes of God, not the filter of our own pasts that are filled with pain.  Love does not keep a list of things that were done to us.  

Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

YES YES YES. I love this portion of the verse.  This whole verse reminds me of poetry but this specific part speaks to my inner warrior.  Like a self pep talk right before a bride walks down the aisle.  All things... there is no exception in that.  Bearing, believing, hoping, and enduring.  Enduring pain.  This has Jesus written all over it.  The moment that his love for us was seen. 

Love never ends. 

It is unconditional.  No matter what that person does or doesn't do, love continues.  Love does not rely on others to prove they are worthy of love, or worthy to keep loving.  Love does not rest on someone else's actions. 

I have been guilty of "unlove". I have given ultimatums, forced conversations that should have waited, I have been ugly in my approach, I have controlled, I have been angry when I did not get my way, I have accused, I have been a skeptic, I have held on to past hurts, I have been jealous of others, I have envied the lives of my friends, I had not accepted the love God was giving me.  God is changing me through teaching me about his love.  I am worthy of his love.  And others are worthy of the love I choose to give.