From the Father to the Son

In my adult life I have come to the understanding that the first men we know as fathers hold much power in how we view our heavenly Father.  Our ability to know God's love can be greatly impeded by our knowledge of the love (or lack of love) of our dads, or, if you grew up in a somewhat healthy family, it can show you a terrific example of God (the father's) love for you.  The positive examples are out there, I have seen them! But I am one who lacked that growing up.  Deep wounds were caused by my own father, followed by a long line of other men who disappointed me throughout my childhood, teen, and even early adulthood.  Time and time again men would prove they preyed upon the little girl inside me who was just searching for a father, longing to be found captivating.  I was looking in all the wrong places.

It has been the unfamiliar becoming familiar.  The character of our heavenly Father is everything you would ever want from your very own parents.  Good, merciful, kind, loving, just, righteous, gracious, constant and consistent, eternal, infinite, holy, faithful, and he's our perfect father that knows best.  Giving us exactly what we need, and giving it generously, never having a cap or an allowance.

Remembering when I was first introduced to God, there was so much focus on God's judgement and having the fear of God instilled in us, there was little room to believe he is all the other things...mostly love.  Since there was a lack of fatherly love in my own life already this was even easier to ignore when thinking about God.  Because I had not ever tasted that kind of love.  I felt like I had to prove to God that I was worth loving.  That even though he was my creator and He love his creation; I was unable to forget that my own father walked away from me, I wasn't good enough to keep him around, to keep his interest.  And I would do this thing, I still do this thing that puts people who claim to love me through a subconscious test to see how far I can push until they too leave.  Living out my own lies I have believed about myself, about my own worth.  But then, through getting to know God the father, I understand he never leaves, he is always there, I can collapse in his love, I can let him love me without fear that he will ever leave, or that I will ever be "too much" for him, or that I will ever need "too much" from Him.

I have rested in the lap of my father for months, addressing Him in my prayers, relying on Him to show me love that I need, crying on his shoulder and receiving my complete fill of comfort.  Accepting this fatherly love... but something has happened.  I now find myself sitting at the feet of Jesus.  Is this the transition?  Is God pointing me toward the teacher?  Has he led me to Jesus so I can now understand the sacrifice my Savior made for me?  So I will understand how hard it was to be dying on the cross, a perfect son and then have his father turn his face away, the father who loves so deeply?  To understand the weight of what was done I needed to know the weight of what He has to offer... that nothing I do would cause Him to love more or less.

THIS. IS. INCREDIBLE.