It's midnight, I am tired, I would like to fall asleep. I am stressing about what dream I may have tonight, to the point that I couldn't sleep if I tried. I avoided sleep by filling my night with meal prep, party prep, and baby duty... worked well until meal prep was finished, party prep was completed and baby fell asleep. So now it is just me and my thoughts.
I worry about the dream I may or may not have. The dream that may be a gift of hope from God, a way to tell me to just keep going, to stay the narrow path. Or it could be my sub conscience being cruel in the dark hours. Either way, I wake up depressed, in emotional torment, and wishing the day was over before it has begun. My heart hurts, real raw pain weighs my body down as I wake to my "right now" reality. A headache is common during the day after waking from this dream. I usually meet God in the car at some point during the day and I ask him questions like "why did you let me have that dream?" "Are you aware of how much pain I am in because of that dream?" "Im not a fan of this whole torture whitney by toying with her emotions game!" But I then have to ask; ok but why God do you continually give me this dream, or allow me to have this repetitious dream with the seemingly same theme of hope? What is the purpose of this particular dream? The dream is never in the same place, and it rarely consistent with the "extras" in it but it is always the same conversation between two people. I try to push it so far from my memory but the emotions from the dream linger on throughout the day, they are beyond difficult to shake.
And it is strange because I know that if this particular dream stops, I will mourn the loss of it. I will ask for God to give it to me just once more.
One thing is for sure... I need a Joseph in my life.
Oh darling..hugs
ReplyDelete