Stumble

For the past two weeks or so I allowed myself to be completely and utterly distracted.  My journal pages remained untouched, my bible stayed tucked into my bag, my micron pens suffered from atrophy as did my spiritual muscles.  I gave God the silent treatment even though I craved him.  It was like I fasted from vegetables and feasted on sweets.  I intentionally deprived myself of Jesus even though my body, mind, and soul longed for time with Him.  I felt his tugs and gentle nudges and waved my hand at him as if to say "Not now Papa, I am busy trying to do your work."  Hypocrisy, that I so often despise is what I was showing.  Where were my boundaries? Where was my voice to say I am sorry but I need God right now, I will talk to you later.  I was running and my feet were going too far ahead of my brain.  BOOM I fall.  This was time, precious time, that was time spent in a lull, a non-growth period.  I spend more precious time beating myself up.

A form of growing pains.  God's grace covers it, He kneels down, he is down on eye level with you as you feel the pain, He looks into your eyes and you look into his.  His eyes say "Yes you stumbled, but I still love you."  You feel the fullness of his grace and love and you are humbled at his kindness, you hang your head in humility as he embraces you again and says "I have given you all you need to get back up, let me help you, let's keep going...together." And this... this is the beauty, this causes me to love Him more.  He never leaves us when we prove our imperfection, he proves to me time and time again that nothing I do, no amount of imperfection will ever cause him to leave me.    

this is me growing in grace.