The Nemesis of Mascara is Lament

This is the third time within the last 5 months I screamed out to God alone in my car.  I screamed until there was nothing left to push out of my diaphragm, until my throat was raw and my voice was altered, until tears poured and mascara ran as I drove past cars who had no idea the pain that was filling my car in the form of sound waves.  I was alone, and I felt alone... I cried to Jesus to just come back now to get me so this would all go away, so I wouldn't have to feel anymore.  I begged and pleaded with him to just take me out of this place that leaves me grieving the loss of a life I desperately wanted.  The dangerous world between idealistic and realistic, the world I thought I was out of, the world I believed I had grown past.  Processes, everything is a process, another level deeper that reaches a new level of agony.  I was in anguish.  Nothing was helping, except to scream, it was exhausting me physically and allowing me break down in giant sobbing fits.  Questions for my Father flew out of my mouth, why have you left me in this place, how much longer will you leave me here, when will this be less painful, why won't you do something!? 

and then Im transported into Barbara Streisand's body in Yentl... "papa can you hear me?"  I ask him for something, anything, to guide me as to what's next.  I hear nothing.  I feel far away from Him.  Did I anger Him? Was I too emotional in my prayer?  No.  No matter what I do or don't do, the love remains, it is unconditional.  Did he leave me? No.  He will never leave me.  Why then, has this loneliness overwhelmed me?

This is the longest time I have ever had to deal with a life altering change.  It is laying the groundwork for the rest of my life, and the lives of my children.  It isn't fun.  It isn't something I would wish on anyone.  And it isn't by any means easy.  It is reaching up to God minute by minute in humility and saying I don't know, please show me.  It is 50,000 shades of gray that are uncharted, no clear right way.  Tragedy's gray scale.  It is a blazing of a new trail, one that is not exactly like anyone else's trail.  It could be a trail to recovery and restoration for all or it could be restoration for me alone.  My wish is for all but that is not my choice to make for others.  I am left in a time of waiting.  I feel beyond lost and confused.  I am afraid.  I desperately want to please my Father, I want to curl up in his cupped hands as he blesses me for being obedient, but I don't know what being obedient means right now.  I mourn because I feel far from His heart.  

I have been told to allow for days like this.  To give myself permission to feel the seriousness of what is happening.  Days like this though, I can barely stand, even when thinking of the promises God give us.  They don't feel like they are within reach at all.  What's next God, what now? How will you get me out of this place?  This pit?