Facing the Reality of Facebook

Facebook has been a part of my life since my junior or maybe senior year of high school.  This year marks ten years that I have been out of high school so that is about twelve years that I have been in a relationship with this Facebook site.  My commitment to it trumps anything else in my life...besides running, and even that has proven to be an "on-again/off-again" relationship.  It has changed over the years but it is still the basic concept, staying in touch with people.  With the invention of the smartphone Facebook has only grown to be more popular and more accessible.  

These are things you already know, I am not having breakthrough intelligence here that towers above anyone else.  But I am realizing things about myself.  

I am a slave.  I have allowed myself to become codependent on a social media site.  I have allowed others to hurt me by using social media.  I do things because I think it will please the audience.  When did I become so weak?

  

 

God in the Box

I think it was a little over two weeks ago that I met with two women.  I was immersed in love and the smell of coffee as we sat.  We were women empowered by God and empowering one another.  Through them, God has revealed much, but on this particular day the best gem I took from our time was about prayer.

For far too long I have had this idea that prayer was a somber time.  There was this checklist; bow my head, close my eyes, fold my hands and remove all distraction.  You should pray for good things, pray for others, pray for yourself, tell God how great he is.  I needed to respect God, I had this idea that if I would anger him, he wouldn't listen to my requests.  My prayers always felt so dead.  This has gone on for years! How am I even still buying into this "prayer life" thing??  No wonder I was always so anxious about praying in front of others.  

As we were meeting one of the women said something (and I am sorry but I don't remember what is was) and all of a sudden...a light bulb came on so bright that it burst and literally blew my mind.  A new concept of prayer.  Stop putting God in a box!  He is too huge and mighty to be stuffed into a box that's size is limited by our own hang up's.  He is limitless.  Pray for the impossible! Pray for miracles!  Pray for yourself to be open to anything and all things that God wants to give you, because you are his child and he loves you and he wants to show you how much he loves you.  Whether it is with blessings or showing you how powerful he actually is, he desires you to know him, to know his love and his heart!  He wants you to spend time with him, above all else.  

Pray with fire, pray with passion, pray as you!  God values an authentic heart.  God did not make me a quiet somber woman.  He made me feisty and fiery.  He can handle anything you throw at him, because he is patient.  He can handle your pain and your burdens because he is kind, and gentle, and faithful, and peaceful, and HE IS GOOD!  I always had a hard time with the praise portion of prayer, but God works when we come to him as ourselves, He shows us how great he is and we become overwhelmed by this greatness.  Praising comes naturally when the good hits you so hard in the heart.
Since this revelation I have had a prayer life that is so alive and thriving, supernatural things are occurring and I am realizing how absolutely breathtaking my God is.  Even in the midst of seeming like my life is in a deep dark hole, he is the light and it surrounds me.  I am craving more of him because he is filling me up, ridding me of voids that I tried to force people to fill.  He is everything I am not, and yet he loves me like the perfect Father that He is, unconditionally.  If this is what he can do with two weeks I can only imagine what is to come.  I have come to love him and believe him when he says that he is in control.  Let's be honest, my life is a mess right now, especially to those who do not truly know God, but through His grace I am filled with his peace.  

1 Peter 4:13 But rejoice insofar as you share Christs sufferings, that you may also rejoice and be glad when his glory is revealed.

Can I have all your EYES and EARS!!

Amazing things are happening, I cannot wait to share them but my brain and heart is far too overloaded right now.  God is working and he is good.  In time, I will share what my heavenly father is doing in my life. I am asking him for clarity and wisdom to write words that he has given me and are not my own.  I believe this blog can be used as a light for Him and I am waiting for him to inspire me and to create order in my brain to do just that.  Even as I write this small senseless post I feel my heart leaping with joy because of who He is.  I pray that he continues (and I know he will), I pray that others may see (I know he will remove blindfolds), I pray for a revival (I trust this is coming).  

Finding Comfort in my Father on Mother's day

Psalm 46:10

(Breathe in)

"Be Still

(Breathe out)

And know that I am God"

As I breathe in and the air passes by my lips, I take in the words.  They roll over my tongue and it's calming.  Soothing even.  I hold it there on my tongue so I can allow God to surge through the rest of my body, shooting all the way to not just my brain, but my heart's brain.  It is at this point that I am truly still.  I can compare it to jumping on a trampoline.  Jumping all the way as high as you can possibly go and right before the descent, for a second that's almost in slow motion, you float there before falling back down to earth. I can hear what else God has to say.  I begin to release the air I've been holding.  Carbon Dioxide is expelled as His words "And know that I am God" pass through me from the inside out this time. And its like I know it because it was knowledge that was inside first and permeated me from all parts of my insides.  The more I repeat this process, the more real the truth is, it is my reality right now.

It's late, or extremely early, depending on your sleep schedule.  For those of us who tend toward insomnia, it is late.  I am sitting in a 24/7 cafe, thank you Giant for catering to the night owls of PA.  There is a lot of limbo in my life right now, uncertainty of what the future holds, all things that attack the woman's need for security.  The worst part is, it isn't my choosing.  I am forced to sit back and wait.  I hate waiting.  I have felt attacked and alone, and most of all hurt.

Tonight my proverbial hammer hit my "break glass in case of emergency" box.  The glass had only recently been reinstalled.  The walls shoot up around my heart.  Shrill sirens ring and alarms sound out, I can't see clearly with the flashing red warning lights blaring in my eyes.  The defenses continue to rise up, barbed wire uncoils and whips into place.  There is a voice that echos on the intercom, a command to "man your battle stations!"

It's too late.  Damage done...again.

I wish there was resolve in my life, but there isn't, and I don't know when that will be but it is not my job to worry about it.  I continue to wrestle with so many things in my relationship with God.  For tonight at least I feel full, content, and comforted by Him.

"When you're on your knees and answers seem so far away you're not alone, stop holding on and JUST BE HELD! ......Your world's not falling apart, It's falling into place."  -Casting Crowns 

(Breathe in) 

"Be still

(Breathe out)

And know that I am God"

R&R

I sit in the quiet of my mind.

I love being a my parent's house.  I am here now and was enjoying being outside on their deck.  The morning was cool and the sun was playing peek-a-boo with the clouds.  Shadows danced on the wooden deck constantly moving and it reminded me of how quickly my emotions are changing from one extreme to the other to yet another.  Look up and you can see the cloud coming to cover the sun, you see the effect of it...there is less light there is a shadow that attacks the ground with a darker cover.  I can feel a darkness coming in my mind, that I am going to think about something painful and it brings about a range of different feelings.  Mourning, betrayal, sadness, anger, even peace all experienced in a matter of minutes, then the sun shines again and there is light and warmth and I sigh with relief that the shadow storm is over, even if only for a minute.  It is exhausting, but in my moments of serenity I can enjoy what God is giving me right now.  Right now I get to enjoy this beautiful piece of property that is away from people.  Life in the bubble.  It's my safe place.  I am reminded of how blessed I was growing up to have a place so secure.  It's a clearing in the woods, on a hill.  Lay down in the grass anywhere and you can see a fortress of trees looking down on you, offering protection.  Short trails in the woods offered my young self a start to being in love with the outdoors, exploration, and adventure.  There is evidence of history, stone walls that used to separate fields, burnt hollowed out trees from a fire caused by a train that no longer runs.  This was my world growing up.  My imagination ran free here.  The landscape has changed a bit from when I lived here, but it still holds the same aura.  It is here that I can process and not be cluttered with outside noise.  It is here that I have had numerous God given "AHA" moments.  Believe it or not I have done more growing up and maturing here in the last 2 years than I ever did when I actually lived here.  I have grown to understand things about my parents, especially my mom, and I have grown to really enjoy my siblings.  I have come to truly appreciate them for all they have done and all they continue to do.

To My Wreslter

I've watched you wrestle.  I've seen you struggle, I've seen you fight, I've seen you be pinned by the truths defined by ignorant ones you loved.  I've observed your brain working to decipher what is true.  I have answered your questions and tried not to push.  Encouragement came naturally of course, but because you are such a people pleaser I tried to be cautious and not let my desire for you, force you into something you didn't quite understand.  This was a choice you had to make on your own.  The good news was brought to you and most times you did not want to hear it.  Seven years on this earth did not mean you were immune to doubt and you found clever ways to swim back to the shallows when feeling like you were getting in too deep.  You battled to believe, to make sense of it all.  God gave you candles to introduce you to the light, not too loud or blinding, but slow burning and consistent.  These candles did not make a plan together but were used in God's plan for you to be saved by his son.  Your questions were inquisitive and provoking, you collected information like an investigator.  And when the time came that you were ready, you were indeed ready.  You set a time, and a place... one that was a common place for conversations void of outside noise.  A place that so many of your questions had been asked and answered in the months before.  I held my breath as you began to reach your hand out to Jesus, not sure if you were really going to open your hand up to him and hold on for dear life as he saved you from the death you would face. Hours passed, silent prayers were said for you, and for me as I would be the one with you during this precious moment.  I became nervous as we neared the end of our nighttime ritual.  One book, one story out of the Jesus book, and then bedtime prayers.  Excitement filled you as you could barely get the words out "It's time to make the choice!!" You reached into your pocket and pulled out the alphabetical road map mimi had written out for you.   I watched and listened as you now answered my questions, I reviewed the plan one last time and asked if you were sure, we prayed together.  I hugged you.  I told you I was so happy that you were one day going to live with Jesus along with me.

I have always felt my own salvation story is boring, and lame.  It isn't, because of what Jesus did, it could never be lame.  Please know that after watching this process, your story is far from lame and I will try my best to always remember the moments leading up to this so I can help you to understand how much God worked on you, how often Jesus knocked on your door, and how often you did not answer.

Please know that this is only the beginning and being a follower of Jesus is a journey not an end point.  I will be there to pray for you, and watch as God uses you in the lives of those around you.  I am praising Jesus for making a home in your heart and for allowing me to witness such a moment.

Already, you are proving to have a heart for those still in the dark.  Brynn is only 6 months old and you made sure you put the road map in her room so she may believe as well.

Confession Time

Writing was something I did enjoy in high school.  The class assignments were fun enough and I usually received above average grades.  But I hated keeping a journal.  It's like once the ideas and emotions in my brain were written down on paper, I realized how crazy I sounded and having the written evidence was something I just couldn't allow.  The paper would normally end up as food for the trash can.  So a year ago when my counselor (among others, our pastor is a big supporter of journals for spiritual growth..shout out to Vince) suggested I start to journal, an eye roll from myself quickly followed.  However, I listened and conformed, and I still continue to this day .  I have only read them once from beginning to end and it amazes me now.  It is a well documented timeline of my ups and my downs.  A history book...or for those of us who gravitate toward gender equality "Herstory" book.  It is a testament to God's hand in our lives.  Documentation of self awareness and epiphany type breakthroughs that can only be defined as gifts of insight from our heavenly father.  So many tearful entries written, that to read them now makes me glad time has passed and I never have to relive that day again.  But all these are so personal and the only place they exist are in a leather bound book that is carried with me mostly everywhere.  The only eyes its been opened to are my own.  Vulnerability in the form of penmanship.  Even my handwriting is different, switching from the usual architect type writing, in all caps, clean and neat.  Instead in the journal, the ink flows from my coveted micron pen with fluidity and without much thought.  Cursive is dying in our public schools, it is alive and well in my hand.  Why am I telling you this?

I just got over the fear of writing for myself and felt pushed to step out of my comfort zone to blog an edited version of my journal.  I want others to see the transformation.  I am not blogging everyday because honestly I don't have that much to say.  I blog when I feel led, no pressure.  Recently though, I felt crippled by fear whenever I thought of writing on my blog.  After pausing and taking a step back I realized it was because people were reading it.  (I know, duh it's online for everyone to see..bear with me) I had opened myself up, I put windows in the walls of my fortress so others could view pieces of my life that aren't visible.  

All the feedback I have received has been positive and encouraging.  And while I am appreciative, I ask that you please not feed my sinful appetite to be the center of the universe and glorify myself instead of God.  Help me to stay humble, help me point to Christ.  In order for this to happen, it is important that Christ is my center, so if you want to help me, pray for me.  I have a long walk ahead and struggle to make time for Jesus in my daily life.  As always I know I am a work in progress and this isn't just a part of the journey, it IS the journey.  

growth will happen