Confession Time

Writing was something I did enjoy in high school.  The class assignments were fun enough and I usually received above average grades.  But I hated keeping a journal.  It's like once the ideas and emotions in my brain were written down on paper, I realized how crazy I sounded and having the written evidence was something I just couldn't allow.  The paper would normally end up as food for the trash can.  So a year ago when my counselor (among others, our pastor is a big supporter of journals for spiritual growth..shout out to Vince) suggested I start to journal, an eye roll from myself quickly followed.  However, I listened and conformed, and I still continue to this day .  I have only read them once from beginning to end and it amazes me now.  It is a well documented timeline of my ups and my downs.  A history book...or for those of us who gravitate toward gender equality "Herstory" book.  It is a testament to God's hand in our lives.  Documentation of self awareness and epiphany type breakthroughs that can only be defined as gifts of insight from our heavenly father.  So many tearful entries written, that to read them now makes me glad time has passed and I never have to relive that day again.  But all these are so personal and the only place they exist are in a leather bound book that is carried with me mostly everywhere.  The only eyes its been opened to are my own.  Vulnerability in the form of penmanship.  Even my handwriting is different, switching from the usual architect type writing, in all caps, clean and neat.  Instead in the journal, the ink flows from my coveted micron pen with fluidity and without much thought.  Cursive is dying in our public schools, it is alive and well in my hand.  Why am I telling you this?

I just got over the fear of writing for myself and felt pushed to step out of my comfort zone to blog an edited version of my journal.  I want others to see the transformation.  I am not blogging everyday because honestly I don't have that much to say.  I blog when I feel led, no pressure.  Recently though, I felt crippled by fear whenever I thought of writing on my blog.  After pausing and taking a step back I realized it was because people were reading it.  (I know, duh it's online for everyone to see..bear with me) I had opened myself up, I put windows in the walls of my fortress so others could view pieces of my life that aren't visible.  

All the feedback I have received has been positive and encouraging.  And while I am appreciative, I ask that you please not feed my sinful appetite to be the center of the universe and glorify myself instead of God.  Help me to stay humble, help me point to Christ.  In order for this to happen, it is important that Christ is my center, so if you want to help me, pray for me.  I have a long walk ahead and struggle to make time for Jesus in my daily life.  As always I know I am a work in progress and this isn't just a part of the journey, it IS the journey.  

growth will happen