Finding Comfort in my Father on Mother's day

Psalm 46:10

(Breathe in)

"Be Still

(Breathe out)

And know that I am God"

As I breathe in and the air passes by my lips, I take in the words.  They roll over my tongue and it's calming.  Soothing even.  I hold it there on my tongue so I can allow God to surge through the rest of my body, shooting all the way to not just my brain, but my heart's brain.  It is at this point that I am truly still.  I can compare it to jumping on a trampoline.  Jumping all the way as high as you can possibly go and right before the descent, for a second that's almost in slow motion, you float there before falling back down to earth. I can hear what else God has to say.  I begin to release the air I've been holding.  Carbon Dioxide is expelled as His words "And know that I am God" pass through me from the inside out this time. And its like I know it because it was knowledge that was inside first and permeated me from all parts of my insides.  The more I repeat this process, the more real the truth is, it is my reality right now.

It's late, or extremely early, depending on your sleep schedule.  For those of us who tend toward insomnia, it is late.  I am sitting in a 24/7 cafe, thank you Giant for catering to the night owls of PA.  There is a lot of limbo in my life right now, uncertainty of what the future holds, all things that attack the woman's need for security.  The worst part is, it isn't my choosing.  I am forced to sit back and wait.  I hate waiting.  I have felt attacked and alone, and most of all hurt.

Tonight my proverbial hammer hit my "break glass in case of emergency" box.  The glass had only recently been reinstalled.  The walls shoot up around my heart.  Shrill sirens ring and alarms sound out, I can't see clearly with the flashing red warning lights blaring in my eyes.  The defenses continue to rise up, barbed wire uncoils and whips into place.  There is a voice that echos on the intercom, a command to "man your battle stations!"

It's too late.  Damage done...again.

I wish there was resolve in my life, but there isn't, and I don't know when that will be but it is not my job to worry about it.  I continue to wrestle with so many things in my relationship with God.  For tonight at least I feel full, content, and comforted by Him.

"When you're on your knees and answers seem so far away you're not alone, stop holding on and JUST BE HELD! ......Your world's not falling apart, It's falling into place."  -Casting Crowns 

(Breathe in) 

"Be still

(Breathe out)

And know that I am God"