Choose Love

The enemy has a PhD in the art of distraction.  I make up my mind to focus on something God is helping me to understand and the enemy distracts.  He uses other people to try to spread his lies, capture the doubtful spirit, all at the expense of those in pain.  Satan wants us to show our ugly, and he wants us only to see the ugly in other people.  But it isn't working.

                                   I choose love!
How can we do that if we do not know the love of the Father? Answer: we can't.  God is my first defense against the lies of the enemy, and God is love.  Those who try to cause hurt or pain in our lives, have compassion on them; they have no idea who they are and no intimate knowledge of the one who calls them "chosen".  I will be praying always for those who are in my life who choose to reject this perfect love.  I trust that God will bring them to a place that they will be faced with a decision and will choose love, to accept the love freely given, and to, in turn, love with that same pure love.  They will experience a life changing moment that will be eye opening, they will shed the skin that kept them contained in a place that didn't allow for growth.  The chains will be broken, they will no longer be slaves, unable to be used for the enemy's purpose of destruction.  They will reach up hands and hearts open ready to be filled with love then reach out to give the same unconditional love to others who do not know.

Learn about this love, learn about our Father...know the love that He is.  Choose love.

John 4:7-21 (because it is all so good and clear)

7 Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God. 8 Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love. 9 In this the love of God was made manifest among us, that God sent his only Son into the world, so that we might live through him. 10 In this is love, not that we have loved God but that he loved us and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins. 11 Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another.12 No one has ever seen God; if we love one another, God abides in us and his love is perfected in us.

13 By this we know that we abide in him and he in us, because he has given us of his Spirit. 14 And we have seen and testify that the Father has sent his Son to be the Savior of the world. 15 Whoever confesses that Jesus is the Son of God, God abides in him, and he in God. 16 So we have come to know and to believe the love that God has for us. God is love, and whoever abides in love abides in God, and God abides in him.17 By this is love perfected with us, so that we may have confidence for the day of judgment, because as he is so also are we in this world.18 There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love.19 We love because he first loved us. 20 If anyone says, “I love God,” and hates his brother, he is a liar; for he who does not love his brother whom he has seen cannot love God whom he has not seen. 21 And this commandment we have from him: whoever loves God must also love his brother.

       

Falling... into His Arms

Oh, Lord! I am so mournfully sorry.  I did not want to see yesterday.  I wanted to believe I knew better, that I could take it from here.  I wanted to control my own fate.  I closed my fist to hang on tight once again.  Lord it is yours! It is not mine, it was never mine! I was not dying to self. I was trying to take your plan from you and make it my own. How foolish I was! Please forgive me and have mercy on me! Please pour out your love, your grace as you teach me and as I slowly and painfully learn this lesson again and again. Not my ways father, but yours... not in my timing Lord but yours!

How I was drowning in pride, trying to prove, Lord, I was tested, I was tempted... and I fell for the enemys deceitful plan.  He saw me rising up in my own power and he whispered to those who could bring me down.  Please, forgive me, my Savior and my God.  Bring me back to you.  I give you control again lord, I do not want it.  I have allowed myself to be used and pushed down again. Take control of my hands, my feet, my words.  Cover me, cover me with your wings, protect me, give me strength through your truths.  Stand in front of me, blocking me from the snares of the father of darkness. 

I praise you as my almighty God, for opening my eyes to reveal what I have done, to show me clearly where you are and where the enemy lingers...help me to not take this lesson for granted. 

God's Voice at 3 AM

At 8:15 last night, I read a chapter to my son (and daughter), I tucked him in, and laid down with her to try to get her to sleep before me.  However, with the darkness my new room offers, I ended up succumbing to the power of my drooping eyelids by 8:30.  Normally, I fight sleep, I love the hours between 11 pm and 2 am.  It is a time that allows for little distraction and much alone time.  My inner introvert shouts with joy at the thought of this time.  It is my alone time with God when His voice is at its loudest.  Last night, I missed it.

This doesn't matter, God finds a way and I trust him.  He gently nudged me awake at 2 am.  I was awake enough to get up, turn on my lamp, and talk with him.  I pour my heart out to him like I seem to do more often these days.  In the midst of this he spoke words of comfort.  Minute by minute I was given peace.  He gave me songs through pandora that I needed to hear, affirming what he was already trying to tell me.  He created me, he knows I tend toward skepticism, He knows He needs to make his voice so obvious to me.  I praise him for knowing me so well, and for giving me what I need.  Sweet moments with my Father.      

He Has Called Me Higher

I was Eve in the garden. I was tempted. I was offered fruit that was unknowingly tarnished. It's true it was beautiful, it appeared to be one of the freshest, and upon ingestion would bring a promise of New Life. Ripeness at its state of perfection. I fought my senseless hands and heart that just wanted to reach out and grab it. They, in their foolish optimism, could only see what could be. But the unveiled side of the fruit would reveal the truth. Mealworms eat away at the rotting bruised bounty. Far from appetizing. Eating it would not bring me closer to what I wanted. It was hidden in a lie that my heart wanted to see as truth.  The enemy knows me better than I have ever wanted him to.  He is using others for his destructive purposes.  He cheers when I fall into temptation. 

But I hear God's voice echoed in those who I now trust more than myself in these situations. 

I did the hard thing.  The desires of my heart were second to what God was calling me to do.  And through these moments, I am taught to trust God fully.  Trust that my situation is in His hands and no deal I could make would be better than what He was doing. 

It's not over, it will most likely become more challenging and even more painful. And through this my response must continue to be:

                                                               "But God"

Guilty but Forgiven

Oh Lord, 

Forgive me. Forgive me for trying to control my life for 28 years. Forgive me for being prideful in my own approach to Christianity. Forgive me for thinking I had it all figured out.  I barely know you at all.  

Forgive me for entering into a marriage with a false perception that I would be made whole.  Forgive me for passing judgement on those whose marriages had failed.  Forgive me for being ignorant to your purpose for marriage.  Forgive me for looking at your children as the enemies, and not being able to identify the true enemy even though it is clearly stated in your word.  Forgive me for packing you into a box.  Forgive me for forgetting that you are King of kings and Lord of lords.  Forgive me for waiting to try to know the love you have for me.  Forgive me for trying to fill up the void in my heart with sinful things.  Forgive me for expecting a fellow sinner to be my Jesus.  Forgive me for thinking I was an exception to your promises, that I was not worth your love or your time.

This is my prayer today.  It hit me in church, I am so guilty of all of these things...on a daily basis.  But I cannot stay here in this place.  Yes I have made mistakes, and yes I am forgiven, and yes God still wants to spend time with me.  What a beautiful picture that is for us to focus on!  That though we are constantly reverting back to sin and breaking his heart, we are forgiven for it all, that our Father still desires us to be close to him.  He does not turn away from us or send us away.  He wants us to keep coming back to Him.  Praise our God for being the merciful and grace giving God he is!
 

Alone but far from lonely

I don't ever want to forget tonight. I am alone but I am not lonely. I have been witness to the love of Christ, it has been generously poured out on me through other people. I was met where I was, at the crossroads of heartbreak and defeat. My brothers and sisters met me there held my hands and cried out to Jesus along with me. We lifted our hands and heart's desires up to our father. We prayed with humble breaking hearts. We prayed with authority... we, as a body expressed deep love for those who were not there. Each of us had revelations and God given visions. We Praised Him for bringing us through the trenches in order to experience a better relationship with Him. We were all surrounding. I was surrounded. I felt as if it was just me and God in a vast open place but at the same time I knew I was surrounded by fellow Warriors. I felt their hands, and through them there was strength.

Same Place Different Time

The Reading Hospital. It is where I myself took my first breath of oxygen. It is where my journey in life began, and where the journey of loved ones ended.  I am here with my son who suffers from severe asthma.  He struggles to breathe air, as do I... but for a completely different reason. 

There is a myriad of emotions connected to the walls, the smells, the hallways, even the artwork that hangs on the walls.  My brain is flooded with memories that are heavy.  My heart grieves as I allow myself to feel, to feel it all completely.  I pray to my father for comfort, for provisions of peace and endurance.  I know I will be in this place of mourning for a time undeclared but I pray that He keeps holding my hand as He gently guides me toward the growing light. 

The birth of my daughter...

I cannot even begin to tell you how tormented my heart is with this memory.  It was only 11 months ago.  11 months ago and my husband loved me that day.  I watched my husband become a daddy to a precious baby girl.  I had felt protected when he wouldnt allow family to visit until we had a day to ourselves.  He coached me through a birth without an epidural (I went into it definitely wanting drugs!).  He was so kind, whispered in my ear that I was a tough and savage girl... His tough and savage girl.  He respected my wishes to stay up by my head, and held my hand as I dealt with the painful contractions.  She was born and she was beautiful.  She had his nose and his eyes, a sweet cry filled our room.  He loved holding her on his bare chest and he cried as he realized this beautiful gift he had been given.  I was overwhelmed with what had happened as well and as we listened to the song "light" by gungor we cried silent tears. 

But now, almost a year later life looks much different, our future is uncertain as a married couple and our precious gift was not something that could hold us together.  Hatred pours from his eyes when he sees me now... he looks at me as a savage girl but one who has stolen his happiness.  I am now the enemy.  I had foolishly tried to hold onto the threads that held us together, but now I am learning to let go and let God.  This is not what I thought life would look like.  It's a "day at a time" life now.  It's an "alright God, Im just going to have to trust you" life.  It's an "I know You will work everything together for Your good" life.  And everyday He has to remind me. 

These walls, oh if they could talk, what they could tell you about points of my life.