Same Place Different Time

The Reading Hospital. It is where I myself took my first breath of oxygen. It is where my journey in life began, and where the journey of loved ones ended.  I am here with my son who suffers from severe asthma.  He struggles to breathe air, as do I... but for a completely different reason. 

There is a myriad of emotions connected to the walls, the smells, the hallways, even the artwork that hangs on the walls.  My brain is flooded with memories that are heavy.  My heart grieves as I allow myself to feel, to feel it all completely.  I pray to my father for comfort, for provisions of peace and endurance.  I know I will be in this place of mourning for a time undeclared but I pray that He keeps holding my hand as He gently guides me toward the growing light. 

The birth of my daughter...

I cannot even begin to tell you how tormented my heart is with this memory.  It was only 11 months ago.  11 months ago and my husband loved me that day.  I watched my husband become a daddy to a precious baby girl.  I had felt protected when he wouldnt allow family to visit until we had a day to ourselves.  He coached me through a birth without an epidural (I went into it definitely wanting drugs!).  He was so kind, whispered in my ear that I was a tough and savage girl... His tough and savage girl.  He respected my wishes to stay up by my head, and held my hand as I dealt with the painful contractions.  She was born and she was beautiful.  She had his nose and his eyes, a sweet cry filled our room.  He loved holding her on his bare chest and he cried as he realized this beautiful gift he had been given.  I was overwhelmed with what had happened as well and as we listened to the song "light" by gungor we cried silent tears. 

But now, almost a year later life looks much different, our future is uncertain as a married couple and our precious gift was not something that could hold us together.  Hatred pours from his eyes when he sees me now... he looks at me as a savage girl but one who has stolen his happiness.  I am now the enemy.  I had foolishly tried to hold onto the threads that held us together, but now I am learning to let go and let God.  This is not what I thought life would look like.  It's a "day at a time" life now.  It's an "alright God, Im just going to have to trust you" life.  It's an "I know You will work everything together for Your good" life.  And everyday He has to remind me. 

These walls, oh if they could talk, what they could tell you about points of my life.