This week will be remembered

Momentum.  It is something I have lost within the last week.  My God continues to pour out his grace on my during this process.  He understands my broken heart and I know he weeps for me.  He cradles my heart as I mourn and grieve the loss of a life I imagined I would have.  He is patient with me as I lifelessly stare at his scripture, I just cannot seem to bring myself to read his words.  He remains with me while I pray, I begin, "Oh my Heavenly Father..."  but nothing but tears follow.   Tears of pain, frustration, and anger at the blindness of others and past blindness of myself.  Sharp words have been causing doubt, causing wounds to be reopened.  The cannons, these lies, have put huge holes in my ship's sails, in an attempt to sink, to rattle.  But God is powerful, God mends, He strengthens.

His Truth:

I am worth it, He will invest the time in me when others will not.  I am broken but I am not damaged goods.  I am difficult but I am not impossible.  I am a sinner but because of his son I am justified, redeemed, and am forever freed from the chains of sin.  

I feel like I have lost my fight this week.  Hope remains, but I am exhausted.  The burden of the hopelessness of other's is heavy.  They do not know the same God I love.  I give them over to my Father.  God is still working, still revealing.  These revelations are intensely painful.  Realizations that this period of heartache will not be ending soon but God still has a plan for me.  Accepting this is not something I am ready for, but again, it is a process.  I want to be used for His purpose, even if it does not end up being what my desire is.

The fight is still in me, but it is going through transformation.  I am removing myself from God's way, I will no longer try to zealously stand beside him with my fists held high, I now need to kneel behind God's shield, trusting that he will protect me now, that he has a plan for me and for the others involved.  Trusting that he will shine a light in the dark places.  Allowing him to be the almighty one.