Just Imagine the Cute Bunnies with Horns... its super late..or early... so its the best I could do title wise.

It was a rough day.  In fact it's been a rough couple days.  Tomorrow is Easter and the last couple days are proof I am being robbed.  The culprit is described as a lion seeking to devour, a thief, a false angel of light, murderer.  Satan.

Easter is meant to celebrate the resurrection of Jesus Christ.  It is the epitome of sacrificial love.  I have been given the greatest eternal gift and I am allowing Satan to burglarize this celebration.  I have let him in, entertained the ideas he's whispered in my ear, and allowed my heart to be attacked.  He has been succeeding in creating a diversion.  Even on a good day it is hard for me to grasp what Jesus has done for me.  I don't think I am alone in this either, why else do we need Hollywood to recreate the Crucifixion, or the History channel to educate us on a timeline of just what they believe to have happened in the days leading up to His death, or someone to document what exactly happened to His body medically speaking.  I crave more than just a 90 minute pop culture display to tug on my heart and to stir up a feeble attempt to be grateful.  I want it to sink into  the innermost part of my heart.  I want to truly understand.  But God doesn't leave us to fend for ourselves against the enemy.  With only a couple hours left before its officially Easter, God whispers a beautiful melody in my ear, its hypnotic and drowns out Satan's screeching murmurs.  He says, "Daughter, remember what I have given to you, remember that I have saved you from death."  Clarity allows me to breathe again.  My joy has been restored.  I am a softened heart, God had a word with me and I have been reminded of the bigger picture. (again.) 

This will always be a process.  It's not just about the story of Jesus hanging on a cross for us.  It's about everything he was while he was alive on earth and everything he continues to be for us, he was the perfect lamb that was killed to cover us and all our ugly!  When is the last time I took the blame for someone else...not lately.  But he did.  For you, for me, for those who are not even born.  It was a gift I accepted as a preteen.  Tomorrow is about remembering that, praising Jesus for being my savior, and praying for those who have yet to accept this gift.  

As for Satan...the only time I'll let him in on the celebration is as a side dish... I do love deviled eggs!

John 3:16

Acts 4:12

Acts 16:30-31

Romans 10:9-10

Witnessing the Firsts

Every parent seems to enjoy documenting the "firsts" of their children.  Babybooks have spaces to be filled with all the necessary information, so one day you may look back and know that you were right on pace with all the achievements that allow you to be mobile and communicate and eat.  For our generation we have social media to document with photos and chalkboards to give our viewers monthly updates.  This is great, I wish I was this dedicated to the growth of my children.  However, on a scale of one to ten (ten being the best) I am about a one on the good parent scale.

Instead the "firsts" we love to remember are the family activities.  Welcome to our first family camping trip!!  Camping with a baby presents new problems to be solved.  My husband and I both love problem solving, figuring out a better way, and then finding success with a solution.  Our camp site was a short hike away from the car (about 40 min gradual uphill).  My husband carried Brynn in our Osprey hiking pack, I carried the rest of the supplies, Jackson carried his own gear plus card games, and zeke (yes our dog) carried his food and water for all of us.

This whole experience was a test run for a future trip that would be more nights, a farther hike, and no doubt overall just more intense.  The hike to the site can be the most frustrating.  Jackson is a "go at your own pace" kind of kid.  He cannot be rushed.  Brandon and I are both get there quick people. Jackson forces us to get creative with keeping him motivated and also forces us to enjoy the journey to get to the destination.  Being a picture pirate (Running ahead of us so he could point out things for me to photograph) was one way we kept him moving.  Another way was asking him to stay in front so Brynn could watch him (he loves to entertain her).  You definitely must evaluate your expectations and realize you are training a new generation of outdoor lovers so you must focus on making it a positive experience over accomplishing your own adult geared goals.
Believe me if you want to test your ability to work together as a family, camp together.  Everyone has a job and your success to build a fire, cook food, and set up camp depends on everyone doing their part.  Brandon and I have dual camping down, camping with a family is still new and needs some refining.  One thing we realized is someone has to be on baby duty the whole time.  In our case we took turns depending on her eating schedule.  Luckily, Jackson is getting to the age where he is becoming more useful.  As a seven year old he is fascinated by a dancing fire, and although he burned himself 3 times before finally realizing fire can be dangerous, he was learning how and what in an environment that was safe.  We were there to oversee...he is still alive.  (when did we stop letting kids be kids anyway?)
Sleeping arrangements can be tricky between the dog, the baby, and having sleeping bags rated for the temperatures predicted for the night.  We dress in polyester to sleep and usually keep our base layers underneath.  Brynn started out next to me in PJ's and her snowsuit but eventually because of her nightly feeding ended up in my sleeping bag with me,  Brandon was next, then Jackson and Zeke slept on the extra material of his sleeping bag.  It was a rough night for all of us.  Between runny noses, sore backs, and the memory of a stupid bear attack movie I watched, none of us really got the sleep we needed.  Even with the lack of sleep Id say this trip was still successful.  Mostly because of what we learned!

Things we have figrued out:
-we have found a way to camp even more minimally
-our tent is literally the most awesome tent we have ever had (MSR pappa hubba ultralight tent)
-s'mores are a must when taking the whole family camping: use chocolate chip or fudge dipped cookies to limit how many ingredients you have to pack.  That way you only need marshmallows and the cookies, no chocolate bars

Problems to be solved:
-Diapers... whether disposable or cloth they both present problems and you still have to carry the dirty ones with you.
-Osprey hiking carrier (at least this one) does not come with a sunroof (Deuter does) we also need to purchase a rain cover
-Jackson has asthma, we need a plan just in case he has an attack

Being married to a Brandon

Being a Patchel requires you to be adventurous.  Being Brandon (the eldest of three boys) means an adventure is not worth having unless there is an element of danger.

If you looked up the name Brandon you would find that it means brave.  His parent's could not have picked a better name for him.  Brave is defined as being ready to face and endure danger or pain.  From the time I met Brandon I knew he was different.  While most men seem to enjoy the activities the great outdoors have to offer, Brandon takes it to a new level.  He is extreme, he loves to do things others may fear, and he does not seem to waiver at all.  I have witnessed him facing scary moments head on without hesitation. The man thrives on things most would never want to go up against.  He waits for intense scenarios to happen just so he can conquer something bigger.  He has been given this hunger to go faster, hike farther, climb higher, and survive on less. 

So it should be no surprise that our family activities are harmonious with his life mentality.  In fact, our daughter was just 4 weeks old when we took her to a local climbing spot.  Do you see the picture to the right? They should send jogging strollers to him to test their limits (ours passed with flying colors).  He was so excited for her to hold her head up so he could use the hiking carrier.  Most recently she is able to sit up on her own, you guessed it, time to break out the bike seat.  All this is evidence he is beyond excited to share his passions with his family. This year he is pushing my own limits, walking me through things I never thought I'd do.  I thought I was hardcore, until I met him.  My goals linger in the shadows compared to his.   

This is not just with hobbies but with the way he looks at life in general.  I knew being married to him would never be boring.  He is always stepping out of the comfort zone most people have in life.  He is willing to put himself out there, into pain, or danger.  Brave in life's journey.  Uninhibited by the dangers that lurk.  I love him for this, and I hate him for this.  It scares me.  I worry I won't be protected if I have to face something scary. But one day, I hope to learn to completely let go of the fear, and trust God is in control.  When that day comes I know Brandon's wings will finally be free and the life we live will be the most glorious we've seen.  

God gave me someone who would be a step ahead of where I was and who was willing to push the limits farther than I ever thought I was willing to go.  I did receive God's best.  

We meet in the middle, but will journey far together

2009- Congratulations it's a boy!  I knew I would thoroughly enjoy being the mother of a son. All my childhood was spent enduring bike crashes, exploring creeks, building bridges, and even peeing outside (much to mother's dismay).  My father called me the wild child, my mother called me accident prone, my friends thought of me as a tom boy.  I knew he would not lack in adventuring even though he was being raised by a single mom.

one marriage and 6 years later

2015- Congratulations it's a girl!  My world of skinned knees and muddy hands came to a screeching halt in my mind.  I was a deer in the headlights when I thought of the road I would have with my daughter.  Fear crippled me.  How? How was I going to do this?? Girls are so complicated, so emotional, so...pink!  I remember premature conversations with my husband about the future troubling teen years and how she would most definitely hate me during them.  It was all so new and I was scared.  

However, the more she grows, the more I let go of this fear.  I cannot believe how connected we are to one another.  I look at her and she lights up, we ignite joy in one another.  She is helping me find femininity, she sparks memories of girly times full of daily tutu dressing and dreaming of being a prima ballerina.  She has sparkle and she is beautiful and lively.  And yet the sweetness of her smile does not hide her desire for adventure.  She's destined to be a daredevil; she loves being tossed and roughed around.  She has been calmed by the presence of trees and the wide open sky, she already appreciates God's beautiful creation but must remain in motion.  Now it is exciting to think about the future.  What is even more amazing is that in watching her grow I am learning to see my own worth.  God knew I needed a girl.  The best way we learn is by teaching.  Showing her how valuable she is because we are God's own daughters is teaching me how valuable I am.  Looking at her is like looking at the reflection of my own soul.

**We chose Renee as her middle name, same as mine.  She looks nothing like me but sharing a middle name makes me feel more connected to her.  Just for some background Renee is the female version of  Rene.  The name Renee means "reborn".  I'd say it's pretty fitting.

Brynn Renee 5 1/2 months

Writing angry is a lot like driving drunk...

Let me get right to the point.  Pain and hurt is the alcohol and anger is the drunkenness.  It's midnight. I am tired, but not tired enough to turn my brain off, so I will write.  Even though I told myself I would never write while intoxicated...or angry.  While I have lost the fight with myself to avoid writing while, I will try to convince you to never pen while under the influence yourself.

Anger goes right to the brain, impairs judgment, gives you blind verbal courage, and can cause hurt to those around you.  It started tonight.  I was hurt.  Anger is where I went from the start.  More time passed and I became more and more belligerent in my own brain.  I couldn't focus on anything but the way I was feeling.  I was stubbornly obsessed with becoming infuriated.  Distracting myself to try to slow down the process only made it worse.  I started to think irrationally, fabricated stories and scenarios, (imagination does not lack when angry) anything is possible and on the table.  I search for more reasons to be angry, I expected more hurt and you didn't disappoint.  Waves of sickness came and went and came again.  Memories of similar pain flooded me and I realize I still haven't forgiven completely.  Or maybe I have to keep forgiving.   But this is so painful.

Then it came like a fire up from my most vulnerable self but it was covered and coated in anger.  It was disguised so the person it was directed at would never be able to see that I was wounded.  I returned fire with fire.  You hurt me, I hurt you.  I was bold and fierce, but not in a good way.  Not in an empowering way.  In an atomic bomb sort of way.  Destruction follows and then we are left to pick up the pieces.

The hangover.  You don't really understand what happened, but you see the destruction.  Most times not knowing the true extent of damage until much later.

Here it is...staying between the lines is hard when you are drunk and driving on the road and it's even harder to stay between the lines when writing while angry.  I hope I didn't go too far above or below.

Everyone's Journey Begins with a Birthday

Today is Wednesday February 17, 2016.  Twenty-eight years ago, also a Wednesday, I was born.  My mom was instructed to schedule a C-section due to the fact that I was folded in half with my butt down where my head should have been.  However, at the last minute I flipped and was in proper position.  Since childcare (for my older sister) and other things had already been prepped they went ahead with the surgery as planned, despite my procrastinated cooperation, I was born.  I was forced out of my comfort zone maybe before I was ready.  Isn't that ironic.  Forced out of my comfort zone but due to my own stubbornness.  So from the start I was stubborn, I was a procrastinator, I wanted to do things my own way, I was tricky.  I was not squeezed through a birth canal, I did not have to push my way to the surface, I was brought out by hands.  In a way, it is a beautiful picture of how life has gone for me from the beginning.  History...or in this case "Her"story seems to repeat itself time and time again.

I am always screwing up...I am human, its how I roll.  Luckily God is not far from me no matter how stubborn I am.  He is filled with grace and mercy and has constantly been those hands bringing me to life again, saving me from being stuck where I am, showing me there is more.  The evidence of this has never been as clear as it is now.  Marriage changes things.  My husband and I were married October 2014.  It has been the biggest roller coaster ride.  Fast, scary, at times thrilling, really steep highs, even steeper lows.  I felt a pull to write it down.  Maybe it will help give hope to the hopeless or maybe it's just for me to remain hopeful.  Either way, Happy Birthday to my Blog!

disclaimer: I realize this is posted on February 19th...just staying true to my procrastinating ways!