Tuesday, February 23, 2016
Writing angry is a lot like driving drunk...
Let me get right to the point. Pain and hurt is the alcohol and anger is the drunkenness. It's midnight. I am tired, but not tired enough to turn my brain off, so I will write. Even though I told myself I would never write while intoxicated...or angry. While I have lost the fight with myself to avoid writing while, I will try to convince you to never pen while under the influence yourself.
Anger goes right to the brain, impairs judgment, gives you blind verbal courage, and can cause hurt to those around you. It started tonight. I was hurt. Anger is where I went from the start. More time passed and I became more and more belligerent in my own brain. I couldn't focus on anything but the way I was feeling. I was stubbornly obsessed with becoming infuriated. Distracting myself to try to slow down the process only made it worse. I started to think irrationally, fabricated stories and scenarios, (imagination does not lack when angry) anything is possible and on the table. I search for more reasons to be angry, I expected more hurt and you didn't disappoint. Waves of sickness came and went and came again. Memories of similar pain flooded me and I realize I still haven't forgiven completely. Or maybe I have to keep forgiving. But this is so painful.
Then it came like a fire up from my most vulnerable self but it was covered and coated in anger. It was disguised so the person it was directed at would never be able to see that I was wounded. I returned fire with fire. You hurt me, I hurt you. I was bold and fierce, but not in a good way. Not in an empowering way. In an atomic bomb sort of way. Destruction follows and then we are left to pick up the pieces.
The hangover. You don't really understand what happened, but you see the destruction. Most times not knowing the true extent of damage until much later.
Here it is...staying between the lines is hard when you are drunk and driving on the road and it's even harder to stay between the lines when writing while angry. I hope I didn't go too far above or below.
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This is so vulnerable, so authentic, so "there"! Whitney, thank you for being honest. Life is full of pain! You are an excellent writer.
ReplyDeleteThank you mrs. Burkholder!
DeleteDitto ditto. ..this is profound in expressing what many experience..including here at our house
ReplyDeleteGod is rescuing us from ourselves ive seen it happening already but we will still have moments of heartbreak that will conatantly need repair
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