Just a Mom

I took a cold walk tonight to get where I am.  I savored every moment, I tried to cling to every sensation as I took each step.  From the cold air piercing my face like a thousand needles to the gravel being gripped by my worn out Asics.  A break from the screaming child, the crying baby, and the elementary student who is far more clingy than I can handle at times.

I love being a mom, I really do, but sometimes it is difficult to feel that way.  My own needs are sacrificed because I dutifully put others ahead of myself, as do most mothers.  Bitterness and resentment quickly follows and I resume this cycle until I force the "me time" I have been craving.  What do I mean by forcing it?  I mean I completely break down and just leave.  It is at this point that life cannot be handled.

Why? Why does it always seem to go this way?  Do all moms experience this or is it just me who does it exactly this way?  What do other moms do so differently that allows them to stay sane longer and need less than I seem to need?  Sometimes I try to fool myself into thinking that I am just meant to be more than a mom and that's why I need more than other moms.  But more than a mom.... what do I even mean by that?  We all are far to aware of motherhood being a thankless job, underappreciated and under valued by our culture...even by fathers.  Have I started to believe this as well, was it something I always believed?  Ever since high school we are taught to reach for more, get educated, have a career, women empowerment...

I dont get it.

Here I am raising children.  Young children.  The future.  Little people with thoughts and emotions who are already collecting memories and experiences.  How can I even entertain the idea that my job is not important.  Research certainly isn't lacking with regards to how the first 5 years of life are crucial in the development of humans.  Yet here I am fighting the urge to say "I am just a mom."

Then I think; is it all in the individual's mindset? (Doesn't it always come back to this?)

Check Out Girl

Generic

Faceless

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Don't look at me.  Please don't expect anything of me. blend in. survive... just keep surviving.  Breathe.  Because yes, sometimes I forget to. 

I imagine myself in a box.  A wooden box, slatted to let in thin lines of light but mostly dark on the inside.  It is secure and protected.  The world continues to spin, people continue to move around me, but I stay isolated, it is what I want.  I cringe at the thought of people interacting with me.  I remain safe floating on the surface of verbal exchanges and dance atop the water, afraid of what lies beneath.  

Shrinking in the shadows, I keep my head down and change with the environment, I am outwardly  obedient to the atmosphere of the social gathering.  As the faces laugh and converse with one another I remain at war with myself.  Part of me enjoys, lives in the moment, but then there is another part that wants to run far away from everyone.  It's a low in the midst of a high.  I stuff down everything creating a black hole that eventually will turn inside out and will overtake the relationships I desperately want, although you wouldn't know that I want them because of my behavior. 

It's a push-pull of wanting to be close, to be intimately connected, but want to push it away because it feels so so frightening.  I distrust, I have seen the destruction, the disappointment... fear overcomes.  I am a shell of myself as the fruit inside shrinks and shrivels.   

So I check out.      

no one to blame but myself, but old habits are hard to break.  

Thoughts swirl about in my head, and while I wish it was in a gentle autumn breeze sort of way it is more of a hurricane type fashion.  My voice has been quiet in the world of written word, and there is an eerie stillness on my blog that has even me wondering if I am okay.  I have my reasons but mostly it is due to insecurity that has crept back into myself and mourning the depressing lack of growth these past few months.  I am both perpetrator and victim as I rob myself of joy and pile on the lies that instill fear and doubt.  I have drained my resources and I am void of energy and at times the presence of life.  Depleted.  I checked the tank, I was filled and foolishly procrastinated thinking the work I had done would "get me through."

The faith driven life has been stifled and codependency stalks me in the shadows of low self esteem, my identity is blurred and I am struggling to stay in the warmth of the light.  "Failure" rings and haunts me at night, another sun sets and another chance to spend intimate time with God is gone.  It disappears with the last light.  I hang my head in shame and forget He still loves.  I crave those times that I would bask in the glory of His kingdom, the fog has rolled in and I stop looking, I stop seeing.  It's another lie, the fog is only a smoke and mirror attempt by the enemy to make me feel isolated in my pain.  God never left and the fog never rolled in.      

You are not alone.  You are enveloped in His love and can never break free or escape.  He wants to be in a deep and vulnerable relationship with you.  Begin again.  Begin where you slipped off the path.  Go now.  


PS am I the only one who is this all over the place??

Winter Wanes

For those of us on the east coast, the weather has been incredible!  February never has days like this, temperatures in the 60's and the sun was shining bright multiple days in a row.  These temperatures allow me to be at my highest comfort level.  I can remain covered by clothing but not wear a coat.  I can have fun outside without sweating.  Everyone seemed to be enjoying the outdoors; hiking trails were being pounded by boots, biking trails had evidence of tire treads, and climbing routes had fresh chalk marks.  Our family jumped on the bandwagon in the pursuit of fresh air and vitamin D, mostly hiking, but also just congregating together with friends letting the kids run free.

Being cooped up in the house is one thing about winter I do not like.  Going out is no problem when you don't have kids in tow, but after the littles invade life, you can count on about an hour of prep before exiting the house and by that point someone has to pee and you must painstakingly peel off the freshly added layers of clothing.  My kids are usually underdressed because comfort is not high on my priority list (yes I am the mom that never has hats for my kids).  This warm weather is considered to be a gift from God in my mind.  It was not a great weekend for me and I like to think that this February "heatwave" was especially gifted to me by my Father to give a little reprieve and a lot more breathing room.  

Happy Birthday (29 and feeling fine)

It was about a year ago when I first began to share my inner thoughts with the inter web.  And while I don't feel that birthdays are really that significant anymore I was secretly so in tune with my aging self.  Excitement was kept hidden from those around me, I brushed off the birthday wishes and rolled my eyes at all the Facebook notifications.  I didn't really desire to celebrate with anyone but I did want to relish in what God has done in the last year.  As I looked back at life, at what this last year has been for me the word heavy comes to mind .  It was a year of pain, self discovery, self awareness, brokenness revealed... but most of all, it was God's year.  This last year was the first year that cravings for my Father took on a life of their own and my mind was engulfed with truths that were just beginning to be unlocked.  I am amazed at the journey he has brought to me and led me through.  He still leads me as I fumble and stumble along the (very) narrow path.  He showed me how to love, to begin understanding what loving well means.  He showed me just how huge He is, how he cannot be contained by our inability to understand.  He taught me how to press in to His word, how to come to Him first with my hurt.  He healed wounds that I didn't want to acknowledge.  He broke chains that have been wrapped around my limbs, that have weighed me down.  He took me places in dreams I never expected.  He showed me who I am.  At first, I was embarrassed I didn't know these truths sooner, but this is all in God's timing.  The truths in His word have been the same, but I am finally able to know it, the words have sunken into me written in blood on my soul and they have become who I am.  Our God is amazing.  One year has felt like a lifetime of learning.  I am not the same as I was a year ago and it is only because of Him.  That is how people change, He is the way people change.  And what is even more beautiful, He has more for me, my journey is not yet over!

Here's to another great year of God's growth!  

Confusion brings silence

It's been a while since I have written, and although I cannot exactly pinpoint why, I do have this growing sense that I am approaching a new season, a bigger and bolder season but there is a mini-season I must wade through first.  

My brain is completely full and at the same time completely void of any thought.  It might be overwhelmed and  maybe has gone into self destruct mode, or maybe the avoider in me is making his presence known.  There is much time of thought and reflection but there have not been any revelations or epiphanies.  Just more questions arise and they remain unanswered.  A time of waiting maybe?  Or maybe God is forcing me into a time of refocusing?  It is a new season for sure, one that has not yet been experienced or explored and confusion runs amok.

So I wait.  I seek.  And I wait some more.      

Conversation in Rocky Places

It was a night that I had a few hours to myself, during hours the rest of the world was awake.  Off to the climbing gym.  Things are starting to make more sense there and I'd rather solve bouldering problems than analyze my relationship problems.

After about 2 hours attempting the same bouldering problem I sat down next to a few other climbers that I'd been taking turns with on the wall.  Some I had just met that night but its a community and they are usually friendly and very willing to help, or encourage, or direct and most of all to celebrate when you reign victorious.  It actually reminds me of church community.  But that is not my focus today, just an observation.  

As I called it a day a conversation ensued between myself and what I would call a dedicated climber. I explained that I feel like I really gravitate toward bouldering more than any other climbing.  Bouldering can be done alone, I am not confined by a harness, and I am closer to the ground.  "I have a fear of heights" I say to him.  He, without skipping a beat, tells me "No, you have a fear of not being in control."  Pegged.  He got me.  

Perspective.